.. someone who searched for God's truths like a child searching for seashells ..

i was more excited to start this semester than to end it .. isn't it supposed to be the opposite? just something about it feels unfinished, like something else needs to happen .. it doesn't feel like summer should be here yet ..

a couple weeks ago, he called me at 2:30 am after he got back from the bar, saying he was outside my building and if i could let him in so he could visit for an hour or so .. i was thinking umm what? but was dumb enough to actually let him in .. stupid me .. he knows i'll always answer my phone, no matter if its him or someone else .. thats just the kind of person i am .. i'd rather anyone call me and be safe than be stupid ..

ya, things happened that probably shouldn't have, but i found myself not getting attached or caring .. when he left he was the one hanging around being awkward while i walked away without a care in the world .. it felt good to just be able to say goodbye and not care .. should i have let him in? probably not .. but i did .. was it a bad thing that happened? probably .. strangely, it didn't really affect me though .. i dont want to be with him .. if he wants to randomly call me and i want to randomly call him with no expectations, then why not .. the problem is, he doesn't answer when i call him .. i dont mind the random visits like that, even though i should .. i just want to be shown the same respect if i would call him .. but of course, he gives that excuse of 'i'm just different from you' or something lame ..

the following day, we had to work a festival thing at school, so we were around each other a lot that day .. it wasn't really awkward and i acted like i didnt have a care in the world .. he asked if he could borrow $2 to get a snowcone and i said ya, whatever (which i have yet to get back and probably never will) .. we were cornhole partners and i totally carried his ass .. but anyways, it wasnt bad at all .. he left to go out and my friends and i stayed for the rest of the night .. i called him later and texted him multiple times, and of course no response .. my friend called him and he answered, but then she hung up .. i called him right after that and nothing .. the next morning i called him to see if he was alive and he said his 'phone was on silent' .. umm ya, really?

i'm just fed up .. i dont wanna be with you, unfortunately im semi attracted to you though .. you dont have to hang out with me, just be nice and respect me .. treat me with the same respect that i treat you with .. that's all i want .. that night, i messaged him and asked if we could talk sometime about what had happened since it was finals week and we'd all be leaving to go home .. ya, we live in the same city, but obviously that doesn't mean anything .. he said ya, thats fine, and i told him to let me know what was convenient for him ..

surprise surprise, come friday night, nothing yet .. i texted him and asked if we could talk that night and said i was having a really bad day and just needed a friend .. he said he didn't know because his cousin may have been coming up that night to see him .. around ten thirty or so, i texted him with a question mark and he said he was with his cousin .. i apologized and just let it go .. the next day we had to work graduation and we didnt speak until afterwards .. when cleaning up, i'd asked him if he'd help me take my tv to my car since i live on the 3rd floor .. he said ya, but he was leaving soon so it'd be soon .. i told him that was ok and to just text me when he was ready .. he said ok .. this was around 12:30-1 .. come 4 oclock, my car and my moms car is mostly loaded already .. i'm the only one left in my building and the only thing not loaded is my tv because i have a space in my car left for it .. some other stuff i couldnt put in the car because it was going around or on the tv .. i called him, and surprise, didnt answer .. i called about ten min later and left a voicemail basically asking if he was going to help me with my tv or not .. i was embarrassed because i had to explain everything to my mom .. like i said, i was pretty much the last one there, so any other guys that i could have asked to help were already gone .. i would have asked somebody else if he had said no, it wouldn't have been a big deal .. ughh ..

i have YET to hear anything from him .. no call, no text, no email, no facebook nothing .. are you kidding me? i'm just soo frustrated and fed up .. what did i do for you not even to respect me as a friend? it sucks because i still think of him as this awesome guy who was there for me and was just a good friend, and now he doesn't even act like i exist .. i wish i could change my mindset of thinking he's this nice guy because he's really proving to be a complete ass .. why cant i kick this good image of him out of my mind ..

Every part of my heart, come and replace, all my selfish ways and alter my world .. steal me away ..

this past weekend was something i've needed for a while now .. on friday, i went down to the camp i am a counselor at in the summer .. we fixed up some of the cabins and helped with maintenance issues throughout the camp to help out the year-round 4-h staff .. after leaving immediately after class on my marathon fridays, it was nice to see a bunch of friends and catch up .. i get some kind of sense of calm and self when i'm at that place, which i know i've needed lately .. i've been looking forward to this weekend just to clear my mind and try to get back to myself and God ..

last night, we stayed at my cousin's house in Morgantown .. his one roommate is very cute, and i've had a slight crush on him since around september .. at the time, he had a girlfriend, but they've since broken up .. in fact, he was the one that invited me over, not my cousin haha .. i guess they all had a late night the night before so everyone went to bed around eleven or twelve .. so that left us two just sitting there .. i didn't want it to be awkward or him feel obligated to be nice to me or anything ..

after a while, we were just joking and laughing and having a good time .. it was easy to talk to each other .. we honestly played like 20 questions haha .. we talked about stuff that was common to random as crap .. and some things that you wouldn't normally just talk about for fun .. we both are shy at first, so were trying to pull out of the other what they thought about us haha .. we both are attracted to each other, but really don't know what to do from that .. he's at school in Fairmont and is graduating in December .. i said something about i'm the one that's always saying let's hang out .. he said something about when he'd be home after finals, and asked if i'd like to do something like see movie or something .. i'm excited =)

he's also an over analyzer like myself haha .. so it was funny to try to gauge where we thought the other person's mind was .. i was going to sleep on one of the many couches in their living room, but he blew up an air mattress .. i asked why he didnt go back to his room and he didnt really answer .. i was still going to sleep on the couch and not be rude and invite myself onto the mattress .. after saying goodnight, he was randomly just like, 'do you want to cuddle' .. i kind of chuckled and joked about how 'smooth' he was about it .. he laughed and said that there's just somethings he doesn't know how to say lol .. then, was like, 'so you didn't answer my question' and i giggled more and said,'sure i dont care' .. of course i wanted too, but i was just caught off guard .. he made a point to say he wasn't going to try anything lol, which i would never think he would anyways because he's too respectful ..

i was just saying to my friend that went with me this weekend, i'm not looking for a hookup or a serious relationship, i just want to cuddle or have someone want to be around me .. it was so nice to semi feel that .. and it wasn't just some random person .. we talked until 6:30 this morning, when i finally was like 'i have to get some sleep' .. i don't want to think too ahead of anything, but i really enjoyed myself .. he's a very respectful guy, and we talked on many many different levels .. this weekend is just something i needed to help me through the rest of this semester .. now on to the piles of homework!!!

I'm Not A Princess ..

why can't things just work out the way you want them to .. or anyway that doesn't make you want to be someone else lol .. i honestly am just trying to be a good person .. i dont care if im not the popular one or whatever, i just want to feel in my heart that i am a good person .. the more i try, the more awful i feel and the farther from that i seem to be getting ..

the last couple days at the end of the week were good .. i was focused on me and just having a good time .. we were both incredibly bored friday night and were both on campus, so i asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie .. not hidden motivation, nothing .. he said he'd let me know w/in a half an hour because his friend may come over .. he called and said he was just gonna head to bed because he was really tired .. which is totally cool, and i didn't think about it from when i hung up the phone .. i didn't dwell on it, i didn't care ..

yesterday was my school's spring football game, so of course there were a lot of parties last night .. i dont normally go out a lot, but decided to just hang out and have a good time .. i didn't think about him or wish i was with him .. i genuinely had a good time .. i had no intentions of calling or texting him at all that night, but someone asked a stupid question and i knew he would know the answer so i called him to find out .. he answered my question, then i asked him where he was at, which happened to be the bar that is right next to the house the party was at .. i asked if he'd mind if a friend and myself came over and said hi .. he said thats cool, but i just started a game of pool so maybe later because it'd be awkward ..

i honestly had every intention of just going later, but after a drink or so my time frame was a little off and later turned into 15 min .. my friend had to go to the bathroom, so we just went to the bar since we knew it'd be a little better than the house haha .. i gave him a hug and said hi .. he was ok at first, then was just being weird .. i asked if he wanted me to leave, because i genuinely didn't really care at this point haha .. he said he was just going to go back to his room .. outside, i asked him what was wrong, what did i do .. he said we embarassed him and were rude .. he didn't tell me that he only knew one of the people he was with .. i thought he knew everyone at the table .. he said he felt dumb because he didn't know these people and we clearly came to see him and he felt bad or whatever .. and was mad because my friend didn't ask if she could sit down because we didn't know the people .. i can see being kind of mad, but i think he slightly overreacted ..

so he walked to his car and i just let him go .. i wasn't dealing with it or anything .. i texted him about 10 min later and just said 'i'm sorry' .. next thing i know my phone rings and its him .. he asked where i was and told me to come to his car .. so i get in and we just sit there for like 30-45 minutes and talked .. it wasnt the normal 'i need space dont you realize it talk' .. its pretty obvious nothing is going to happen so im content with that .. it was more him telling me that i dont listen to him .. i felt awful .. i genuinely try to listen and not bug him .. but it seems the more i try to not hurt his feelings or make him mad the bigger the whole i dig myself ..

i told him i didn't come there to try and be flirty or get with him or whatever .. i genuinely was coming over to say hi and had no intentions of anything else .. he said he believed me, but was still kind of angry about it .. even if i didn't do anything, im still going to get upset over it and feel like its my fault .. i didnt think i did anything wrong, but still feel like complete crap for making him sad and semi ruining his night or whatever .. and me being the cry baby that i am, cant shut off the waterworks even though it was something as stupid as you don't listen to me lol .. he was like i feel like i always make you cry .. i do nothing but hurt you .. that made me feel awful .. i wasnt crying to make him feel bad, it just came out .. like usual, i was telling him how i felt like he doesnt want to be my friend and stuff .. he continued to tell me that i did nothing wrong and it wasnt my fault, but the fact is, im still in this situation and i still feel like crap ..

i told him that ya, sometimes i just miss cuddling and falling asleep with someone .. not because its him, but just becaues its someone .. someone who cares and wants to be there .. honestly, there have been times i want to say something but i know it'll only make things worse, so i dont .. i told him that .. i told him i miss those things, i miss stupid conversations and jokes that happen when you just hang out .. and he looked at me and said you really think that's going to help anything sara? he's still worried about leading me on .. i feel bad when i say this, but i just want to be close to someone .. so much of my life has been consumed with the sappy love songs or the ideal picture of the perfect life and not having anyone to turn to honestly breaks my heart .. and even when i dont try to 'be with him' i still ruin his night somehow .. i just wanna go back to not worrying about it all .. he knows im sooo vulnerable and he says he'd never take advantage of that, but sometimes i think it'd be easier if he did because i could have a reason to be mad .. that, too, makes me feel soo awful .. because he is such a good guy, and i keep sticking my foot in my mouth or ruining it, even the friendship .. nothing i can do is going to make things better, but i cant not care .. thats not me ..

i just want to know my purpose .. why do i care, even just as friends, if it keeps getting me in trouble .. i really feel more stupid each day .. i just wanna feel like someone appreciates me, someone cares about what i have to say and isn't going to make me second guess my actions around them .. someone wants to take the time to be around me and care about me, not me always bugging people or seeing whats going on .. why cant people come to me .. what do i do to turn people away from me .. i've lost soo many best friends in the past 4 years or so, whether they be from high school or boyfriends .. why??? what is wrong with me??? one or two people can be dismissed but up to like 4 or 5, what am i doing wrong? im trying to be more concious of what i do so i dont offend people, but i just keep losing people from my life ..

he told me i don't listen .. i want to listen, i try to listen .. but i feel like he says one thing and does another .. how do i listen? do i listen to him or me? what am i telling myself? i'm soo confused ..

that's what i'm doing these days ..

there are good days, then there are bad days .. why do the bad outweigh the good? how do i make a conscience effort to try and make them good? i feel like i'm trying, but nothing i do is going to change how i think .. how do i flip the switch ?!?!?

im trying to focus on myself and how to make myself happy and what i need to do to have a good future and career .. but i don't know how to focus on myself .. i cant help but feel selfish when people tell me i just need to focus on me .. i dont want to .. i want to care about someone else .. i want to take care of them, and whatever happens with me happens .. i just want something to feel right and click into place .. i've been looking at grad schools and stuff lately, trying to plan the future out .. but ntohing is really appealing .. yes, grad school can be a scary thing, but i'm not excited at all .. how can i be happy with where i'm at now instead of looking to always run away or start over and get something fresh in order to be happy .. i'm sure i'll screw that up too eventually, but right now it seems appealing .. how many times am i going to have to 'start over' before i am content with something for more than a month or whatever ..

why do i feel like i constantly need someone there to tell me im doing the right thing .. why cant i tell that for myself? i dont get that feel good feeling unless someone else helps give it to me .. why????? i'm sick of getting a taste or being happy, then completely mentally wrecking myself and screwing it all up and being miserable for a year or whatever .. why do i do this? how do i do this? how do i get out of it and why cant i do it by myself instead of alwas depending on another person?

i wanna feel special, and worth someone's time .. as vain as it sounds, i want someone to think about me .. i want someone to care .. i was thinking today - at the beginning of the semester while we were 'talking' or whatever you call it, little things just made me feel wanted, and not even romantic or clingy things .. i remember one night he couldn't get ahold of me because i was with a friend or in a meeting or something, and he was worried because he thought i was on duty and thought i slept through it and didn't want me to get in trouble .. he came over to my building to make sure i was ok .. this was before anything really even happened .. even in my 'rebound' or whatever you want to call it last year .. i remember i left his house, and it had just started snowing .. when i got home, i talked to my mom for a good hour as soon as i walked in the door and forgot to text him back .. when i got back to my phone, i had 7 text messages and 10 missed calls from him seeing if i got home ok and starting to freak out because i hadn't answered him .. when i called him back, he was half way to my house to make sure that i hadn't wrecked or gone over a hill or something to where no one would see me ..

ok, so maybe that was a little extreme .. but its just the comfort of knowing that someone cares and wants to make sure you're ok .. makes you feel good, makes you feel valuable and worth something .. but why do i need that from someone else? ughhh

I swore I never wanted to be more than your weakest moment now

this week was pretty decent .. I've been going to the gym more with friends and trying to be more active .. maybe by keeping busy I can distract my mind .. I talked to my ex last weekend, which is very shocking because it was an awful breakup and we talk maybe threetimes a year now .. it was a good conversation and it was nice to see that there is a possibility there of us being friends inthe future .. we had been best friends since we were nine and have basically cut off contact since we broke up a year and a half ago ..

I hung out with some of my guy friends from high school last weekend .. although they aren't my closest friends, it was nice to just and have a laid back time .. Easter was good, except by great great aunts husband who is 94 passed out in church and they sit right behind us .. scared the living daylight out of me .. he went to the hospital and ended up being ok; but it still freaked me out ..

this week has been ok with what all has been on my mind .. I'm trying to just let go and not let him realize that I care because that does nothing but make me vulernable .. I just hate that I can't just kick it, I feel so retarded .. i've let him approach me and kind of just taken a defensive approach .. why put myself out there? we've talked a little this week, but just small and somewhat meaningless conversation in passing or whatever .. I need to look of for me, but for some reason I still semi care .. I just want to be a good person and stop feeling so crappy and vulnerable .. it's got a little better, but I just want that magical moment to change it all ..

on a happy note, the weather has been absolutley gorgeous this week! I saw my favorite flower today, a deep purple tulip and it aS beautiful .. I love summer, but just hate that I'm stuck at the bank instead of being free and having fun .. I tried to find a different job, but the bottomline is I need that money and I won't get it working anywhere else just for a summer .. just gotta pray and ask God to get me through everything .. there's a reason for everything .. " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phillipians 4:13

i need to focus on me .. how can i be me? who am i?

why do i still care so much .. it's completely obvious that nothing is going to happen .. people are sick of hearing about it .. soo why can't i just kick this ?!? is it the meaner someone is to you and the more they push you away the more you want them? i don't get it .. is that why i can't stop caring? i just get scared and get an anxious feeling in my stomach, but shouldn't .. i shouldn't care at all, but i can't help it .. ughhh ..

i know the more i care the more i annoy him and that pushes him away, which makes me want him more and it's just an awful circle .. i just want to relax and not care like i did at the beginning, but idk how to anymore .. i wanna just be chill and not care or be scared or anxious about anything .. i want to not care whether or not something happens .. i wanna focus on me, but i can't stop driving myself nuts !!!

guess I'd rather feel hurt than nothing at all ..

it's so beautiful outside! this weather just makes me want to forget everything and just breathe .. and honestly that's what I think I need to do ..

I keep flipping back and forth between genuinely caring and trying to let go .. I don't want to care and let it all consume me, but for some reason I miss him .. maybe I just miss feeling good about myself, but that is slowly starting to come back .. I'm trying to focus on loving myself, I just hate that I have to feel like someone else has to approve for me to do that ..

I genuinely want to be friends with him, without anything being awkward .. I miss just being able to open up and have that friendship and reliability .. that some sense of security and protection, even if it's just as friends ..

the happier i try to be, the more miserable i become .. what the heck is wrong with me ????? my friend from a few hours away came and stayed with me for a few days .. we are COMPLETE opposites .. im a complete conservative, religious, by the books girl and he's gay, very liberal, and soo out there .. it was nice to see him, but now i know there's a reason why we live far apart ..

i went with one of my residents to the er tonight .. i've been in a funk for the past couple days, imagine that .. hospitals have a weird way of just freaking me out and making me sad .. its not the dying or sick part .. its seeing families and friends being there for someone and showing them God's love .. maybe i'm jealous .. that makes me feel like an awful person .. her boyfriend came and was comforting her .. it was soo adorable .. instead of being happy, i was jealous .. why am i so selfish????? why do i only think about myself?????

it makes me want to be someone else .. i just want a friend, someone who cares more than anything, that'll be there for me like her friends were for her .. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life .. i'm soooo lost .. faith wise, friend wise, anything wise .. what is my purpose in life .. im soo lost and feel so alone .. why do i need to depend on other people????? why ?????

so this boy that i should forget about but for some odd reason cant, i called him to see if i could talk to him when i got back to school .. he asked what was wrong, and its just one of those days where i need a friend and a hug .. i thought we were genuine friends and could count on each other .. he said he'd love to help me out, but has a presentation to finish and didn't get much sleep last night, but we could talk over the phone .. is talking on the phone going to help you get your homework done versus the same amount of time in person? hmmm ok .. is it my fault you went out last night? why say if you ever need a friend i'll be here for you? why say that when thats not the truth? why do i believe people when they say that? all my "friends" say that, yet im still soo alone tonight ..

ya, we're just friends, but why did i think i could count on him .. are my expectations for "friends" too high or something? am i not even good enough to be his friend? he told me he feels like he can't do anything right and always is making me miserable, even though we have barely talked lately? he said he feels like nothing he can say is going to convince me to think that he doesn't hate me .. for some reason that's what i think .. but i treat my friends a lot better i guess .. i try to include them in my life and want to be around them .. that's why they are my friend .. maybe he wants to be my version of acquaintances? say hi when you see each other, but that's about it .. that's not a friend ..

if he would have called me, i would have been there in a heartbeat .. what is wrong with me? am i too vulnerable? how do i balance respecting myself, yet showing other people God's love .. do i need to show myself this? what am i doing with my life? help!!!

livin' on a prayer

things have been getting a lot better .. not that much as changed, but i guess i'm just dealing with it in a better way .. we've been acting like friends which is nice and takes away the awkwardness .. last night he came over for about an hour or so and just talked about the same things we talked about the night before on the phone .. i could have easily gave my bitchy opinion, but i took my feelings and emotions out of it and just tried to be a genuine friend that he can trust and come to when he needs something ..

as hard as i thought that'd be, i think it's actually helping me to kind of tell him to find him self and be strong .. it somewhat validates what i'm trying to convince myself to do .. it makes me feel good that he feels comfortable enough and trusts me enough to come to me, even if it is about another girl .. even though that seems like it'd be awkward, it does make me feel like he values my opinion in a way ..

tonight he texted me and said please pray for me .. he said he wasn't comfortable telling me what it was right now, but he'd tell me eventually .. and that as of right now, just to kind of a say a little prayer .. he wouldn't give me the slightest hint about anything that it was, which is probably one of the worst punishments for me! haha .. he said he hadn't said anything to anyone else, but idk if that includes her or not .. if the situation is about her or just has to do with what has been going on between them :/ .. my mind is honestly going a million miles a minute .. does he want me to pray that he can be with her? to make her want him? to make him not feel like he does anymore? i have no idea what to think .. but again, idk why but he said he only said something to me .. why me? hmm ..

and during that conversation that lasted probably about 45 minutes, it was friendly and joking and he didn't seem as sad as he has been .. does this have to do with what he wants me to pray for him about? is he happy cause things are working with her? it's just soo confusing ..

why can't i be just what i am .. have i lost the real me behind my charades

today was open house at school, and as an RA, we are responsible for working it and putting it on .. it ended around noon and tonight we had group interviews for RA applicants for the fall that went from 6-9 .. i was expecting an awkward day .. that's pretty much what i got haha ..

as i expected, it was pretty awkward between him and i this morning .. kind of avoided each other most of the morning without being blatantly obvious and bitchy to each other .. i wanted to talk to him and be friends, but i honestly don't know what to say .. i get around him and just clam up .. i tried to be peppy and outgoing and nice to everyone around me so he wouldn't see me sad or anything like that .. he finally said hi to me about 2 hours later, but was in passing on the way to sit down .. he didn't actually stop and talk to me .. idk why, but i started being stupid and thinking and thinking and a minute later i went to the bathroom and threw up .. yes, i'm that stupid ..

we didn't talk the rest of the open house or anything .. i went with some friends out for lunch and to walmart .. they're people i normally don't hang out with, but i had an awesome time! really made me feel a lot better and i had fun goofing around and just enjoying myself ..

tonight at group interviews, i guess i walked right by him and put my head down and didn't even look at him? that ticked him off i guess .. i didn't do it on purpose, i was just trying to talk to other people and be peppy .. he left within the first hour because he had to be on duty tonight .. i was on duty too, but another girl in my building offered to check in so i could stay at group interviews .. i didn't know he was on duty, so i thought that he offered to check in just so he didn't have to be around me .. he honestly looked miserable all day .. i didn't know if he just didn't wanna be doing those things or was mad at me or mad about something in general .. but really, he looked unhappy and miserable ..

i ended up texting him an hour or two later and asked him if he was ok and if he was mad because he didn't look good .. he said he felt like i didn't want to talk to him and stuff and if thats what i wanted he understood .. he hung up real quick because we aren't supposed to have our cell phones on duty and that's what we were talking on .. he texted me and said someone came in and thats why, which happens a lot .. i tried to call him 10 min later, then texted him twice and no response .. i didn't know if it was her that stopped by or what and thats why he wasn't returning it ..

finally he called back .. i was being nice and stuff and he sounded pisses and was like why did you email her .. i guess they got in a fight or something today and she told him that i emailed her .. she wouldn't tell him what i said, but told him that i think the world of him or something .. he got mad because i didn't tell him and that i didn't want him to know, when the reason why i didn't want him to know was to save drama and have him not think that i'm trying to interfere .. i told him i'd read it to him and he was like no no i dont wanna hear it, im just pissed you did it and didn't say anything to me .. i started crying because the reason i did it was to try and be a good person because i still feel like a bad person .. then i feel worse when it makes him mad ..

he thought maybe i told her stuff that he's told me about them and that i just blabbed everything .. it hurt me that he thinks i might be that kind of person that'll blab as soon as things go bad and rat him out .. he said she'd be pissed if she knew some of the things he's told me .. but im not like that .. he said he understood, but said that i didn't need to send that to her and was still kind of bugged that i didn't tell him ..

he said its either been really good or really bad with her .. he feels close to her and loves her a lot, but then when he brings up what's going to happen she kind of blows it off or says idk yet and stuff .. he's getting frustrated .. i know they've been together a heck of a lot longer than we were, but its like the same situation i was in .. i wanted to be with him and he didn't know and would flip flop everyday .. he said he realizes why i feel the way i do now and apologized for making me feel that way .. oh karma ..

he loves her, and he always will .. but he's at that stage where he just wants it to go back to how it used to be .. but i honestly don't know if thats possible .. its easy for me to say that, but i know its hard for him to understand it .. it took me 4 months to realize the person i loved was never coming back .. we only think of the good times .. people do change .. when do they get to a point where its too much to switch back .. and does she want to switch back to how she used to be? ..

i honestly feel so bad for him and just want to help him because when i was in that stage with my ex, i know how hopeless you feel and you dont wanna give up .. i genuinely care about him as a friend and want to do everything i can to help him .. we talked for almost an hour about this and i just listened and tried to be a friend to him .. do i want to be with him? no .. do i enjoy his company? yes .. do i miss being friends and hanging out sometimes? of course ..

i know its easy for me to say this not having the feelings he does for her, but i really think they both need they're space and time to figure it all out .. if its meant to be they will BOTH discover it, not one try to sway the other ..

why be with someone if they don't make you happy? you should be in a relationship because you wanna share your life with someone, not because they are your life .. it makes me feel good that he confided in me enough to tell me everything that's been going on .. and im trying my best to remove my emotions from the situation and just be a genuine friend .. i know im not ready to be in a relationship anyways with the things that have been going on in my head lately .. i need to focus on me and he needs to focus on making him happy, not getting her back ..

if it makes you happy, then why are you so sad ..

im sooo tired of being so anxious all the time .. i told him i needed to talk on Monday, so we talked for about a half and hour .. and he told me that him and his ex are now talking again and are trying to work things out .. he said he still loves her and he still loves him, but she's scared .. i told him he's always going to have that feeling no matter what, but he didn't expect that and still feels uncomfortable being with someone else knowing it's there .. i expected him to just take some time for himself, not to automatically jump back to her ..

ya, it kind of hurts, but at the same time he's been nothing but honest .. i have no reason to think anything bad of her and have heard nothing but good things about her, but part of me thinks if he hadn't been talking to me, then she wouldn't have said anything to him .. i think she kind of knew if she said something it'd make hi think and go back to her .. sometimes i feel like she knows him well enough to know what'll bug him and what'll bring him back .. i don't think she likes seeing that someone else can make him happy .. right now he's basically waiting for her and eating out of the palm of his hand ..

part of me feels bad because maybe he's being manipulated in some way, idk .. another part of me thinks he's stupid for just going back all of a sudden and forgetting everything .. they are ex's for a reason ..

there's just really no good way to look at it from my situation .. it's just a crappy situation all around and i don't like that .. i hate feeling like that girl .. as much as i told him i didn't wanna be, i was the rebound and i feel like i got played, even if he didn't mean it .. i feel like a bad person, even though i technically didn't do anything wrong .. i wrote her a message just apologizing if i hurt her feelings in anyway and if i interfered with anything, but i honestly didn't know there was a possibility of them getting back together until i was too invested .. i probably shouldn't have done that, but i want to let her know that i do genuinely feel bad, even if i don't agree with the situation that'd going on or how things are going down ..

i should stop worrying about it, because it's obviously done .. but i can't get it off my mind .. it just really confuses me ..

are you honestly in love with her and want to change to be with her or are you in love with the memory and what it used to be .. you have to know when to say when

well how could we have known

i thought spring break was supposed to give me some space and time to just forget everything .. and that semi worked, but for the most part, i'm probably worse off then i was before .. as i sit in my room, i see myself falling back into the same slump and thinking the same things .. why do i do this to myself??? what the heck is wrong with me???

i want to text him and see if he wants to get dinner or just see how his break was, but i can't help but feel so annoying and pestering .. i don't want him to have to deal with me, it's bad enough i have to .. no matter how much i think these thoughts, they still won't go away .. i want to talk to him and tell him what i've been thinking, even though i'm sure that isn't going to help anything .. but at the same time, i'm terrified that's its going to be the last time we talk and that's it .. no friendship, no nothing .. why is this so hard? it hasn't been that long, so why is it tearing me up like it is??? ughhh ..

part of me just wishes he'd call or text and be like just kidding it was a joke .. part of me wants him to be like i realized that i want to be with you and care about you soo much .. part of me wants to feel beautiful and feel loved .. but then part of me thinks i don't deserve that .. part of me thinks what makes me so special that i he'd want me over anyone else .. part of me thinks i'm so stupid for letting myself have these feelings that i now can't get rid of ..

i did everything i thought i could to look out for myself .. i didn't just give in right away .. i played the hard to get thing and waited for him to come to me .. ya, i flirted and had fun, but i didn't show this crazy, needy, psycho side of me .. and he did come to me, he pulled me aside one night after he got off duty and said i do care about you and i do want to be with you, and i know i need a little bit of time, but i don't want to lose you .. i would lay in my bed at night after coming back from his room and he'd text me and be like i can't sleep, i just can't stop thinking about you and things like that .. he'd invite me on stupid trips off the hill or to eat or the movies or random things that made me feel appreciated .. that made me feel good about myself .. that made me feel respected and cared about .. that made me like myself ..

why did i believe it? he is a truly genuine person and i really thought he meant it .. was he just tricking himself .. was i being tricked? how did i fall for it .. how can i be so stupid .. i thought i kept my wall up long enough, i thought i looked out for myself, but now im a babbling mess .. i want to go back to that content and strong girl that i was when we started hanging out .. that made him come to me and not put myself out there .. but not im vulnerable as all get out .. my feelings have been put out there and basically given back to me .. now im the needy and crazy girl and can't do anything to go back to how it was ..

why do i need his validation or appreciation or care to like myself? why did i feel so good about myself when he cared too? why do i need that?

something as stupid as seeing a picture of him at his friend's house for his friend's birthday .. the same friend who just started dating the girl i went to high school with .. of course she was there .. another friend and his girlfriend were there .. and then him .. and the friend's family of course .. i didn't get anything all over break, not even a 'how you doing' or anything .. he had a good time and i'm glad .. i shouldn't be jealous or envious .. but i know i am and i hate that about myself ..

somedays i try to think positive and think maybe we'll get back to school and talk and he'll realize that this can work .. then i think more realistically and am scared to talk to him to hear it all finalized and set in stone .. to hear that i can't be with you right now because i don't know if i want you or not .. to hear that i'm not good enough to erase all the doubts off his mind .. his friend was good enough to erase my friend's doubts, but i'm not .. i can't help but feel embarassed and oh so vulnerable ..

my worst fear

i have no idea which way is up anymore .. i couldn't tell you a consistant answer on anything because my mind races a million miles a second .. one minute i know what 'i want' and the next im questioning everything in the world going on around me ..

i genuinely care and like the kid .. i care about him as a person and want him to be ok .. yes, i've missed the cuddling and kissing, but i more miss just being around him and seeing that he is happy .. he's going through a lot right now, and all i want is to make sure he is doing ok .. i wish i could help him in anyway or at least provide some kind of comfort to him, but i just provide an annoyance and a burden .. something as simple as texting and saying 'hey, how are you doing' would probably drive him nuts and not make him want to talk to me .. i respect how he feels, this is why i just try to silence myself and ignore my feelings ..

do i want to be with him? yes .. do i miss cuddling and being cute? yes .. do certain things about how we were bug me? yes .. so what does all this mean ?!?!?!?!?

i miss being with him, i miss being close, i miss feeling like somebody cares about me and wants to make sure that i am ok and taken care of .. do i miss that feeling from him or that feeling in general? am i settling for the first guy i'm attracted to and connect with? am i scared of not finding someone else down the road? is that why i'm holding on to this so tight? or do i truly have those feelings for him? are they stronger because he doesn't know if he wants me or her or noone? how do we distinguish the difference?

i do not know her at all, besides what i have heard and what he has told me .. i have zero room to judge her .. i cannot not like her, nor can i hate her because she has done nothing to me and has every right to possess the feelings she has, i have been that girl .. do i feel bad for her? honestly, some days yes .. i know what it's like to be that girl that just wants her life to go back to the perfect way it was .. do i still feel that way now? heck no haha .. i know where she is coming from, but it honestly just takes time .. maybe they are meant to be, only God knows that right now ..

everything happens for a reason .. but what is the reasoning behind all of this? was i involved to make him realize how much he cares about her? was it to make her realize how much she cares about him? what am i learning from it all? to not take a chance? should i remain more guarded, even when i think all of my little insecurities have been proven to be ok? will i ever find someone who truly cares? do i deserve it? am i to make him realize he can be happy with someone else, even if that's not me? what does all this mean .. will i ever be happy? or is that just me thinking selfishly? do i deserve to think that way sometimes? do i think that way at teh wrong times?

i look through past pictures from camp and school and see the way people interact .. you know the way when you have a crush on someone and that's all you can think about .. i wonder what they're thinking or doing or if they're looking at me right now or if they're going to this event tonight or whatever it may be .. i remember thinking that way about my ex and wondering what he thinking and if it was about me like i was thinking about him .. looking at random pictures, not even of him - just random people, i began to semi get those reactions, these of which i have not considered yet in this point of our hanging out .. what does that mean? am i jealous? do i have them just because i want someone to care? do i envy him? do i envy her? why can't i just be happy with myself?!?!?

one of his close friends just recently started dating a girl i went to high school with .. they've been talking for maybe about half the time we have been hanging out .. his friend was talking to a different girl at the beginning of the semester, and now is head over heels in love with the girl i went to high school with .. he, too, just got out of a serious relationship .. the boys would joke about how long it'd take for them to be in a relationship again .. mine was supposed to win the battle, but that didn't happen .. his friend is honestly in love with this girl .. and good for them! i am happy that someone can work out .. the girl was in a similar situation to my guy's, yet she put it all behind her and took a chance .. am i jealous of them? do i envy them? honestly, i can say yes, for the fact that they know what they want and treat each other how they deserve to be treated .. they truly do care about each other .. do i envy them? i really don't know .. i envy the passion and control they seem to have over everything, but i think it's a little to fast for my taste at the moment .. heck, we can't even hold hands in public or kiss in a public place where we know NO ONE without being afraid that someone will see it or start a rumor .. a happy medium would be nice ..

i want someone who is proud to have to, who wants others to know that i am his, who wants to make me happy and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that i make him happier than anyone else .. do i want him to feel that way? of course i do .. do i feel that way about him? lately i don't know .. we haven't hung out and had that interaction as much to be able to say that's what makes me happy .. however, even when we fight or i get angry, i'd rather be around him and be mad than be by myself .. i'd rather deal with the stress than be alone .. i feel like he has been so worried about hurting me or leading me on, that we can't just hang out and have a good time like we used too .. has this been causing me more pain than good? lately yes, but when i'm actually with him, it stills brightens my day even if it is a bad situation ..

am i too young to think i can find someone who will think the world of me right now? am i naive to want someone to think that of me? do i deserve to have someone feel that way about me? i look around at people who are 'dating' and wonder what goes through there head .. how do they know that that person will not hurt them and that they mean the world to that person .. and if they don't know that, how can they be ok with 'dating'? .. i can say i'm jealous of the carefreeness that people approach things such as this with ..

i realize that him and his ex have been through a lot together and it is going to take time .. when we talk about it, sometimes he refers to her as his girlfriend, not realizing he forgot the EX part .. they were together a long time and went through a lot .. she has helped him more than probably anyone in his life, and its understandable that he is going to be grateful to her for a long time .. he is a completely different person now than when they first started dating, which is a good thing .. i give her credit for sticking with it all and giving her all to him and helping him become a better person .. i do admire her strength for that .. when does helping someone out cross the line between doing it because it is the right thing to do & because you want to and looking for some kind of benefit or reward from it all .. like i said, i have to understand they have been through a lot, but is that enough reason to try to stay together just because of all the trials and tribulations that have happened .. sometimes you have to know when to say when and call it a day .. i don't know if that is the case here or not, and honestly it is none of my business .. i wonder if i feel this way because i do have feelings towards him or if this is how i turly feel? i feel so blinded in my thinking and my judgments ..

am i ready to have these strong feelings again? am i ready to give that much of myself? do i know if i even want to or do i just like the idea of it? everywhere i look around me, i see happy couples getting together without a care in the world .. how do they know ?!?!? and why can't they tell me ?!?!?

what scares me the most is, do i even need to think this way? the probability of them getting back together isn't looking too bad right now .. so why am i feeling all these emotions ?!?!? is this all just a waste of me? i know i should just forget all about it and if it works out in the future, then it will without me trying to make it work .. but if i forget about it so easily, does that mean i didn't care or try? there's just soooo much .. honestly, i think they will get back together, and i'm scared to feel like a bigger joke and idiot that i feel right now .. i understand you cannot help how you feel, especially when it comes to the opposite sex .. but am i really just setting myself up? should i have known better? even now .. why am i still holding on ?!? i should be out, enjoying myself, and not still consuming myself with all of this .. what is wrong with me ?!?!?!

am i even being given a chance in all of this? do i even deserve a chance? maybe i am just there to make him realize how much he loves her .. i truly hope not, but maybe that is how God is working through me to get to them .. what is this all doing for me then? i can't help but feel more stupid as each day passes and i realize that i make him want her more .. but i can't shake these feelings still ..

am i going to get more hurt out of this? more than likely .. who's fault will it be? no one's but my own .. so why the heck am i still doing this to myself and how do i stop???? please tell me

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same ..

wow .. wow .. wow ..

these past few weeks have been so hectic .. spring break is this week, that means fun in the sun and not having a care in the world, right? i wish! no exciting plans for spring break, which doesn't help the over analyzing everything and thinking too much, but hey, why would i expect something to be easy? lol ..

the weekend before last, myself and a bunch of friends went out at the tiny bar that's in my school's town .. a whole 2 tables in the place, but whatever .. it was a good time .. didn't drink that much, but enough to have an enjoyable evening .. still 'friends' with the boy .. i locked myself out of my room that night, so my friend just walked me back to the boy's room, who was on duty that night, since it was on the way to my friend's dorm as well .. it was fun, flirty, whatever .. when i woke up in the morning, he looked at me and said he had been up for an hour or so and had been just thinking about everything (can't be good, right?) ..

he starts into this whole thing about how maybe we just shouldn't talk or be friends at all because that seems to be hurting me more and leading me on no matter what it says .. honestly, i'd rather deal with the drama of not knowing what's going to happen than just say let's not talk until i figure out what i want, which could be a year from now, you never know .. i'd rather feel semi useful or important than just disposable and in the way .. i guess this has been coming for the last month or so, but was never really achieved before if that makes sense . .we would say we'd hang out less or whatever, but when we'd get together, it'd still be the flirty,cuddly whatever it was, and that was mostly my fault .. but the fact was, it still happened .. i knew it wouldn't help, but i still did it anyways ..

i genuinely do care about the boy as a person, not just in a romantic or sexual way .. i can see he has a huge heart and truly does not want to hurt anyone, and that makes me want to be around him that much more .. through everything that's happened lately, i know he's trying not to hurt me and isn't doing anything to be malicious or anything towards me .. i respect him soo much for being up front and honest with me .. it'd be almost easier for me to forget everything if he'd just be an ass of do something retarded .. but i really don't think that's him, or at least not that i've seen so far ..

he's going through a lot right now, and i know this whole pressure and relationship thing is the last thing he needs to worry about right now, which is why we really aren't communicating at all .. he has so much to figure out, so much to deal with .. i don't want to out anymore stress or bother on him, but at the same time i want to be there for him as a friend and him be able to trust me and come to me when he needs someone or something .. but i also know i'm the farthest thing from what he wants to be around right now, just because of all the emotions and crap that comes with it .. im stuck between wanting to show how i feel and just be a supportive and good friend .. it sucks to know that the only way i can help him out or make him feel better is to let him do his own thing and not talk to him .. it makes me feel like a bad person almost because i think if i was something special, he would want me in his life to help him feel better ..

i just don't know .. i've been very calm and level headed about everything lately .. just going with the flow .. i know he still has feelings for his ex, and i completely understand that .. i've been there, and it's not easy .. i don't want to get wrapped up in all this drama, because it's none of my business .. but at the same time, i can't help how i feel .. do i just tell me heart to shut up and do what i 'think' i 'should' do, or do i continue to put myself out there again, like i have been doing, and see how things work out .. do i wait for him to come to me? will he ever come to me? do i just forget about it all together? then what? just soo much to decide ..

i have mang things to deal with on my own too before i should get involved with someone .. but when you're with someone, it's easier to forget about all those bad things or cover them up .. yes, thats the wrong thing to do, but it works out soo well .. then, when a stone gets thrown in the world, everything falls a part like it did last week .. one thing can trigger and total breakdown .. i want to figure out who i am and love myself .. i feel like i have soo much love to give, but i'd give it to anybody else before myself .. why do i depend on other people for my happiness? why do i look for some kind of validation before i can be ok with myself? why am i constantly waiting for others reactions to what i do before i deem it to be ok?

so what if it hurts me .. so what if I break down .. I just want to be happy ..

What a whirlwind of a week! classes were cancelled all but one day last week =) but not I have more work than ever, because Lord knows nothing got accomplished with those 4 snow days!!! we had class yesterday, but got called off today again .. woohoo!

I've pretty much been a wreck lately .. I thought Valentine's Day was supposed to be happy and make you feel loved? mine was the exact opposite .. I wasn't expecting anything at all, since the boy says I already 'pressure' him to much as it is about being 'official.' so I didn't say anything about Valentine's Day or anything .. we got breakfast then came back to my room to hang out for a bit .. all was well and cute .. we were joking around and play wrestling/fighting/whatever and I accidently slapped him in the face. . as soon as I did it I just froze and wished on everything in my life that it was just a dream and that I was going to wake up, but that didn't happen .. for him, this is the one thing that gets him more than anything, and I instantly knew it and lost it ..

needlesstosay, we have not really been talking the last couple of days because of everything .. I truly do feel awful and have apologized numerous times, but I think I am to the point where I don't know what else I can do .. I want to work it out and I want him to believe me, but I can't do anything else to make that happen .. if this all ends over this incident, I'm going to be really sad and hurt by it .. I know it's my fault, but I'm truly willing to do anything to try and make it better .. I just hate that I have to ruin everything .. ughh ..

and .. yesterday when we were talking about everything that happened, I looked at his tv and saw a Valentine's Day card .. I asked who it was from and he said his ex has slipped it under his door .. this having been almost two days later, I was slightly ticked that he didn't say something to me about it .. it didn't even have to be a big deal, just hey, this is what happened just so you know .. it means nothing .. I told him it angered me and he said he got it after everything happened Sunday and when he was mad at me so he didn't tell me because of that .. I guess I understand, but I'm still ticked about it .. then I panic and think do I have a right for that to bother me? ughhh .. sooo confusing ..

the ex-girlfriend thing never bugged me until this last week, and it has been almost a month and a half since we've been hanging out .. first off, I didn't know she lived in the same building, which I just found out last week .. I am normally the typical jealous girl, but I wasn't for some reason .. but after all this has been happening, it's really been bugging me now .. I feel like I see her at least 3 times a day, and of course she is absolutely perfect .. she has the perfect family, perfect clothes, is done up to be gorgeous everyday no matter what, but looks so calm and collected about it .. and of course, she has his heart .. what more could she ask for .. I was stupid to think I would have compared to anything close to her .. I was dumb to think he would feel for me what he felt for her, especially so soon after .. I told him going into it that I didn't want to feel like the rebound and he assured me that that wasn't going to happen .. now, I can't help but feel like a rebound ..

maybe the issue that happened Sunday was the straw that broke the camel's back or the thing that's giving him an excuse to hide his feelings and not get hurt .. he keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me, but the longer this and the excuses go on, my heart just breaks a little more each day ..

.. and my weakness is, I care too much

this past month, I've been talking to another ra that I met at training .. and honestly, its been absolutely amazing .. I really would have never expected something like this at this point in my life .. we have so many things in common, it's somewhat scary .. we've been hanging out A LOT for the last month, and I've really started to fall for him .. it really scares me how fast I've fallen and how much I really care already .. but at the same time, I've never felt this way before about anyone ..

he has recently gotten out of a very long relationship and is still coming to grips with who he is and everything .. I've been there, and I can understand that it takes time .. but even though that disclaimer has been put out there, we act as though nothing is coming in between us .. I guess we're still 'talking,' but it's dating without the title .. I know he wants to be sure about everything and wants to give his all, but at the same time, I can't help but be insecure about everything and think something is wrong with me or that I am doing something wrong ..

last night, he ran into his recent ex and they talked for a good hour or so .. she was upset and wanted to talk to him .. he told me because he wants to be honest with me, which I respect .. he said watching her cry, he felt awful and couldn't help but want to hold her and comfort her .. I guess before they talked last night, he was completely content with nothing ever happening between them to again .. he thought he could just shut his feelings off that he had for the last 4 1/2 years .. they both agreed that they do not want to get back together, but it still scares him that the feeling of wanting to comfort her and still make sure everything was ok came back so fast ..

it hasn't been long so I understand that everyone needs their time .. but to me, it scares me how fast I've fallen and care for him .. I can honestly say that I can see myself being with him in the future .. but I'm terrified of getting hurt and caring too much .. I'm scared he's going to change his mind and not want to be with me ..

so what does all this mean? I'd pay a million dollars to find out! I wish I knew how to feel .. as much as I want to be the bitch and not care and say forget it, I can't do that .. that doesn't make me feel any better, that's just hurting me too .. I don't want to keep putting myself out there, but I can't help how I feel .. all I can do is pray that I understand what God has in store for me ..

I Want To Be The Exception

Tonight, we continued our weeklong building program of movie night .. we watched He's Just Not That Into You, which just happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time! A friend from an another building came over and watched it with us .. even though it was about a million girls and one guy haha .. but it was a BLAST! I really enjoyed myself ..

A lot of the girls on my floor are starting to open up more and enjoy themselves around me .. I'm excited to start getting to know everybody better and not feel like the outsider or new kid, even though I guess I'm 'technically' in charge .. I think I'm starting to realize that I definitely made the right decision ..

but I still want to be the exception

A New Beginning

Wow .. what a whirlwind of a first year so far .. thank God I am done with work .. I honestly could not take it everyday anymore .. and figures, after I finish, I get a text from my boss about things people said within the 2 days I had left .. it's great to know who to trust now ..

I got an RA job at the college I go to, and moved in last Wednesday .. I met a TON of new people throughout training all week and weekend, and honestly had an absolute blast for the first time in a while .. times like these are making me think that I have started to make the right decisions in my life .. I need some positive reinforcement somewhere haha .. on my way to class today, so many people stopped and said hi or random things and it made me feel soo good, because that never really happened before .. I feel like such a nerd that I'm getting excited over this lol ..

tonight our building had a movie night, well, we're having it all week .. not many people showed, but it was still nice to just hang out and not really have a time frame or be anxious about anything .. it's strange to say, but I think I'm starting to be happy again .. it amazes me how something so simple like taking a new job and moving can change my whole outlook at school ..

Starting New .. ?

This time of the year makes me think more than usual .. like I need any help there .. I love my family, even with all the imperfections I can't stand .. I just feel like I'm missing something though .. Especially at this time of the year(s), I can't help but miss my best friend .. or at least, who that used to be .. I had no idea it was possible for someone to change so much .. you hear stories and watch shows and movies, but it doesn't seem real until it happens to you ..

I don't want you at all .. I miss the environment and person that you used to be, not anything close to the person you are now .. I miss how I felt in those moments, I miss feeling content .. I miss my best friend .. How do you fall out of love with somebody who doesn't exist anymore? How do you get closure? It's not the person, as it is the feelings that accompanied the person .. I miss the idea of being loved, but not by who you are now .. I miss being happy, but not with who you are now .. I miss your family and friends, but not you .. I guess I should have said, how do you fall out of love with the memory when you've already moved past main part .. Trying to get all of those firsts emotions and memories out of my life is the hard part .. I've moved past you, but how do I move past the memories?

How did you move past those so fast? How was I so blind to not see the person you are today under all those layers? How could I have let myself fall so hard, only to see you walk away a different person? How can you be happy with what you're doing today? Why was I so stupid to believe you ..

This week is finals .. although I have a full schedule, only one of them seem to be pretty hard .. I'm excited to move past this semester. I feel like there are so many things I want to do and accomplish in this next semester, but I'm just waiting for time .. Why don't I do them now? I honestly can't tell you .. I'm just used to waiting, and even though I hate it, that's life I guess?

Sometimes I feel like I'm so focused on other people and finding someone that makes me happy .. I need to start focusing on what makes me happy and who I am before I focus on someone else .. That has always been my problem though, even growing up, and I don't know how to see it another way .. I'm wanting this change, it's just figuring out how to make it happen ..

Growing up, I used to ALWAYS keep journals and write stuff down. It seemed to help me get through the hard times. But these last 2 or 3 years seem to have been the hardest, or at least most radical or strange, and I can't bring myself to write a page anymore. Maybe it's all the stuff required for school? Who knows ..

Instead of focusing on the problems in my day, I guess I should try and see the positives of everything, even though I'll slip up. I was recently hired as an RA at the college I just transfered to. The college is in the town I grew up in, and is only ten minutes away from my house. I don't like living at home, but wanted to save money. I am excited to live on campus and meet a lot of new people, but I am nervous and have my reservations. I hope this is the right decision.

I guess I'm at a point where I'm trying to figure out where life is taking me and what my purpose is. I don't know if anyone ever truly figures that out, but I see to do my best to try. I would love to know how to just enjoy life and be happy, rather than worry and anticipate my next move or what will happen. I'm scared that will never happen, but I'm trying to put my faith in God and my faith that'll it'll all work out. Life seems like we're constantly waiting for something to happen .. waiting to meet that special person .. waiting to get the right job .. waiting to have a family .. waiting to be happy .. when do we know when it's time to stop worrying and start living? How do we do that?