the happier i try to be, the more miserable i become .. what the heck is wrong with me ????? my friend from a few hours away came and stayed with me for a few days .. we are COMPLETE opposites .. im a complete conservative, religious, by the books girl and he's gay, very liberal, and soo out there .. it was nice to see him, but now i know there's a reason why we live far apart ..

i went with one of my residents to the er tonight .. i've been in a funk for the past couple days, imagine that .. hospitals have a weird way of just freaking me out and making me sad .. its not the dying or sick part .. its seeing families and friends being there for someone and showing them God's love .. maybe i'm jealous .. that makes me feel like an awful person .. her boyfriend came and was comforting her .. it was soo adorable .. instead of being happy, i was jealous .. why am i so selfish????? why do i only think about myself?????

it makes me want to be someone else .. i just want a friend, someone who cares more than anything, that'll be there for me like her friends were for her .. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life .. i'm soooo lost .. faith wise, friend wise, anything wise .. what is my purpose in life .. im soo lost and feel so alone .. why do i need to depend on other people????? why ?????

so this boy that i should forget about but for some odd reason cant, i called him to see if i could talk to him when i got back to school .. he asked what was wrong, and its just one of those days where i need a friend and a hug .. i thought we were genuine friends and could count on each other .. he said he'd love to help me out, but has a presentation to finish and didn't get much sleep last night, but we could talk over the phone .. is talking on the phone going to help you get your homework done versus the same amount of time in person? hmmm ok .. is it my fault you went out last night? why say if you ever need a friend i'll be here for you? why say that when thats not the truth? why do i believe people when they say that? all my "friends" say that, yet im still soo alone tonight ..

ya, we're just friends, but why did i think i could count on him .. are my expectations for "friends" too high or something? am i not even good enough to be his friend? he told me he feels like he can't do anything right and always is making me miserable, even though we have barely talked lately? he said he feels like nothing he can say is going to convince me to think that he doesn't hate me .. for some reason that's what i think .. but i treat my friends a lot better i guess .. i try to include them in my life and want to be around them .. that's why they are my friend .. maybe he wants to be my version of acquaintances? say hi when you see each other, but that's about it .. that's not a friend ..

if he would have called me, i would have been there in a heartbeat .. what is wrong with me? am i too vulnerable? how do i balance respecting myself, yet showing other people God's love .. do i need to show myself this? what am i doing with my life? help!!!