so what if it hurts me .. so what if I break down .. I just want to be happy ..

What a whirlwind of a week! classes were cancelled all but one day last week =) but not I have more work than ever, because Lord knows nothing got accomplished with those 4 snow days!!! we had class yesterday, but got called off today again .. woohoo!

I've pretty much been a wreck lately .. I thought Valentine's Day was supposed to be happy and make you feel loved? mine was the exact opposite .. I wasn't expecting anything at all, since the boy says I already 'pressure' him to much as it is about being 'official.' so I didn't say anything about Valentine's Day or anything .. we got breakfast then came back to my room to hang out for a bit .. all was well and cute .. we were joking around and play wrestling/fighting/whatever and I accidently slapped him in the face. . as soon as I did it I just froze and wished on everything in my life that it was just a dream and that I was going to wake up, but that didn't happen .. for him, this is the one thing that gets him more than anything, and I instantly knew it and lost it ..

needlesstosay, we have not really been talking the last couple of days because of everything .. I truly do feel awful and have apologized numerous times, but I think I am to the point where I don't know what else I can do .. I want to work it out and I want him to believe me, but I can't do anything else to make that happen .. if this all ends over this incident, I'm going to be really sad and hurt by it .. I know it's my fault, but I'm truly willing to do anything to try and make it better .. I just hate that I have to ruin everything .. ughh ..

and .. yesterday when we were talking about everything that happened, I looked at his tv and saw a Valentine's Day card .. I asked who it was from and he said his ex has slipped it under his door .. this having been almost two days later, I was slightly ticked that he didn't say something to me about it .. it didn't even have to be a big deal, just hey, this is what happened just so you know .. it means nothing .. I told him it angered me and he said he got it after everything happened Sunday and when he was mad at me so he didn't tell me because of that .. I guess I understand, but I'm still ticked about it .. then I panic and think do I have a right for that to bother me? ughhh .. sooo confusing ..

the ex-girlfriend thing never bugged me until this last week, and it has been almost a month and a half since we've been hanging out .. first off, I didn't know she lived in the same building, which I just found out last week .. I am normally the typical jealous girl, but I wasn't for some reason .. but after all this has been happening, it's really been bugging me now .. I feel like I see her at least 3 times a day, and of course she is absolutely perfect .. she has the perfect family, perfect clothes, is done up to be gorgeous everyday no matter what, but looks so calm and collected about it .. and of course, she has his heart .. what more could she ask for .. I was stupid to think I would have compared to anything close to her .. I was dumb to think he would feel for me what he felt for her, especially so soon after .. I told him going into it that I didn't want to feel like the rebound and he assured me that that wasn't going to happen .. now, I can't help but feel like a rebound ..

maybe the issue that happened Sunday was the straw that broke the camel's back or the thing that's giving him an excuse to hide his feelings and not get hurt .. he keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me, but the longer this and the excuses go on, my heart just breaks a little more each day ..

.. and my weakness is, I care too much

this past month, I've been talking to another ra that I met at training .. and honestly, its been absolutely amazing .. I really would have never expected something like this at this point in my life .. we have so many things in common, it's somewhat scary .. we've been hanging out A LOT for the last month, and I've really started to fall for him .. it really scares me how fast I've fallen and how much I really care already .. but at the same time, I've never felt this way before about anyone ..

he has recently gotten out of a very long relationship and is still coming to grips with who he is and everything .. I've been there, and I can understand that it takes time .. but even though that disclaimer has been put out there, we act as though nothing is coming in between us .. I guess we're still 'talking,' but it's dating without the title .. I know he wants to be sure about everything and wants to give his all, but at the same time, I can't help but be insecure about everything and think something is wrong with me or that I am doing something wrong ..

last night, he ran into his recent ex and they talked for a good hour or so .. she was upset and wanted to talk to him .. he told me because he wants to be honest with me, which I respect .. he said watching her cry, he felt awful and couldn't help but want to hold her and comfort her .. I guess before they talked last night, he was completely content with nothing ever happening between them to again .. he thought he could just shut his feelings off that he had for the last 4 1/2 years .. they both agreed that they do not want to get back together, but it still scares him that the feeling of wanting to comfort her and still make sure everything was ok came back so fast ..

it hasn't been long so I understand that everyone needs their time .. but to me, it scares me how fast I've fallen and care for him .. I can honestly say that I can see myself being with him in the future .. but I'm terrified of getting hurt and caring too much .. I'm scared he's going to change his mind and not want to be with me ..

so what does all this mean? I'd pay a million dollars to find out! I wish I knew how to feel .. as much as I want to be the bitch and not care and say forget it, I can't do that .. that doesn't make me feel any better, that's just hurting me too .. I don't want to keep putting myself out there, but I can't help how I feel .. all I can do is pray that I understand what God has in store for me ..