Every part of my heart, come and replace, all my selfish ways and alter my world .. steal me away ..

this past weekend was something i've needed for a while now .. on friday, i went down to the camp i am a counselor at in the summer .. we fixed up some of the cabins and helped with maintenance issues throughout the camp to help out the year-round 4-h staff .. after leaving immediately after class on my marathon fridays, it was nice to see a bunch of friends and catch up .. i get some kind of sense of calm and self when i'm at that place, which i know i've needed lately .. i've been looking forward to this weekend just to clear my mind and try to get back to myself and God ..

last night, we stayed at my cousin's house in Morgantown .. his one roommate is very cute, and i've had a slight crush on him since around september .. at the time, he had a girlfriend, but they've since broken up .. in fact, he was the one that invited me over, not my cousin haha .. i guess they all had a late night the night before so everyone went to bed around eleven or twelve .. so that left us two just sitting there .. i didn't want it to be awkward or him feel obligated to be nice to me or anything ..

after a while, we were just joking and laughing and having a good time .. it was easy to talk to each other .. we honestly played like 20 questions haha .. we talked about stuff that was common to random as crap .. and some things that you wouldn't normally just talk about for fun .. we both are shy at first, so were trying to pull out of the other what they thought about us haha .. we both are attracted to each other, but really don't know what to do from that .. he's at school in Fairmont and is graduating in December .. i said something about i'm the one that's always saying let's hang out .. he said something about when he'd be home after finals, and asked if i'd like to do something like see movie or something .. i'm excited =)

he's also an over analyzer like myself haha .. so it was funny to try to gauge where we thought the other person's mind was .. i was going to sleep on one of the many couches in their living room, but he blew up an air mattress .. i asked why he didnt go back to his room and he didnt really answer .. i was still going to sleep on the couch and not be rude and invite myself onto the mattress .. after saying goodnight, he was randomly just like, 'do you want to cuddle' .. i kind of chuckled and joked about how 'smooth' he was about it .. he laughed and said that there's just somethings he doesn't know how to say lol .. then, was like, 'so you didn't answer my question' and i giggled more and said,'sure i dont care' .. of course i wanted too, but i was just caught off guard .. he made a point to say he wasn't going to try anything lol, which i would never think he would anyways because he's too respectful ..

i was just saying to my friend that went with me this weekend, i'm not looking for a hookup or a serious relationship, i just want to cuddle or have someone want to be around me .. it was so nice to semi feel that .. and it wasn't just some random person .. we talked until 6:30 this morning, when i finally was like 'i have to get some sleep' .. i don't want to think too ahead of anything, but i really enjoyed myself .. he's a very respectful guy, and we talked on many many different levels .. this weekend is just something i needed to help me through the rest of this semester .. now on to the piles of homework!!!

I'm Not A Princess ..

why can't things just work out the way you want them to .. or anyway that doesn't make you want to be someone else lol .. i honestly am just trying to be a good person .. i dont care if im not the popular one or whatever, i just want to feel in my heart that i am a good person .. the more i try, the more awful i feel and the farther from that i seem to be getting ..

the last couple days at the end of the week were good .. i was focused on me and just having a good time .. we were both incredibly bored friday night and were both on campus, so i asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie .. not hidden motivation, nothing .. he said he'd let me know w/in a half an hour because his friend may come over .. he called and said he was just gonna head to bed because he was really tired .. which is totally cool, and i didn't think about it from when i hung up the phone .. i didn't dwell on it, i didn't care ..

yesterday was my school's spring football game, so of course there were a lot of parties last night .. i dont normally go out a lot, but decided to just hang out and have a good time .. i didn't think about him or wish i was with him .. i genuinely had a good time .. i had no intentions of calling or texting him at all that night, but someone asked a stupid question and i knew he would know the answer so i called him to find out .. he answered my question, then i asked him where he was at, which happened to be the bar that is right next to the house the party was at .. i asked if he'd mind if a friend and myself came over and said hi .. he said thats cool, but i just started a game of pool so maybe later because it'd be awkward ..

i honestly had every intention of just going later, but after a drink or so my time frame was a little off and later turned into 15 min .. my friend had to go to the bathroom, so we just went to the bar since we knew it'd be a little better than the house haha .. i gave him a hug and said hi .. he was ok at first, then was just being weird .. i asked if he wanted me to leave, because i genuinely didn't really care at this point haha .. he said he was just going to go back to his room .. outside, i asked him what was wrong, what did i do .. he said we embarassed him and were rude .. he didn't tell me that he only knew one of the people he was with .. i thought he knew everyone at the table .. he said he felt dumb because he didn't know these people and we clearly came to see him and he felt bad or whatever .. and was mad because my friend didn't ask if she could sit down because we didn't know the people .. i can see being kind of mad, but i think he slightly overreacted ..

so he walked to his car and i just let him go .. i wasn't dealing with it or anything .. i texted him about 10 min later and just said 'i'm sorry' .. next thing i know my phone rings and its him .. he asked where i was and told me to come to his car .. so i get in and we just sit there for like 30-45 minutes and talked .. it wasnt the normal 'i need space dont you realize it talk' .. its pretty obvious nothing is going to happen so im content with that .. it was more him telling me that i dont listen to him .. i felt awful .. i genuinely try to listen and not bug him .. but it seems the more i try to not hurt his feelings or make him mad the bigger the whole i dig myself ..

i told him i didn't come there to try and be flirty or get with him or whatever .. i genuinely was coming over to say hi and had no intentions of anything else .. he said he believed me, but was still kind of angry about it .. even if i didn't do anything, im still going to get upset over it and feel like its my fault .. i didnt think i did anything wrong, but still feel like complete crap for making him sad and semi ruining his night or whatever .. and me being the cry baby that i am, cant shut off the waterworks even though it was something as stupid as you don't listen to me lol .. he was like i feel like i always make you cry .. i do nothing but hurt you .. that made me feel awful .. i wasnt crying to make him feel bad, it just came out .. like usual, i was telling him how i felt like he doesnt want to be my friend and stuff .. he continued to tell me that i did nothing wrong and it wasnt my fault, but the fact is, im still in this situation and i still feel like crap ..

i told him that ya, sometimes i just miss cuddling and falling asleep with someone .. not because its him, but just becaues its someone .. someone who cares and wants to be there .. honestly, there have been times i want to say something but i know it'll only make things worse, so i dont .. i told him that .. i told him i miss those things, i miss stupid conversations and jokes that happen when you just hang out .. and he looked at me and said you really think that's going to help anything sara? he's still worried about leading me on .. i feel bad when i say this, but i just want to be close to someone .. so much of my life has been consumed with the sappy love songs or the ideal picture of the perfect life and not having anyone to turn to honestly breaks my heart .. and even when i dont try to 'be with him' i still ruin his night somehow .. i just wanna go back to not worrying about it all .. he knows im sooo vulnerable and he says he'd never take advantage of that, but sometimes i think it'd be easier if he did because i could have a reason to be mad .. that, too, makes me feel soo awful .. because he is such a good guy, and i keep sticking my foot in my mouth or ruining it, even the friendship .. nothing i can do is going to make things better, but i cant not care .. thats not me ..

i just want to know my purpose .. why do i care, even just as friends, if it keeps getting me in trouble .. i really feel more stupid each day .. i just wanna feel like someone appreciates me, someone cares about what i have to say and isn't going to make me second guess my actions around them .. someone wants to take the time to be around me and care about me, not me always bugging people or seeing whats going on .. why cant people come to me .. what do i do to turn people away from me .. i've lost soo many best friends in the past 4 years or so, whether they be from high school or boyfriends .. why??? what is wrong with me??? one or two people can be dismissed but up to like 4 or 5, what am i doing wrong? im trying to be more concious of what i do so i dont offend people, but i just keep losing people from my life ..

he told me i don't listen .. i want to listen, i try to listen .. but i feel like he says one thing and does another .. how do i listen? do i listen to him or me? what am i telling myself? i'm soo confused ..

that's what i'm doing these days ..

there are good days, then there are bad days .. why do the bad outweigh the good? how do i make a conscience effort to try and make them good? i feel like i'm trying, but nothing i do is going to change how i think .. how do i flip the switch ?!?!?

im trying to focus on myself and how to make myself happy and what i need to do to have a good future and career .. but i don't know how to focus on myself .. i cant help but feel selfish when people tell me i just need to focus on me .. i dont want to .. i want to care about someone else .. i want to take care of them, and whatever happens with me happens .. i just want something to feel right and click into place .. i've been looking at grad schools and stuff lately, trying to plan the future out .. but ntohing is really appealing .. yes, grad school can be a scary thing, but i'm not excited at all .. how can i be happy with where i'm at now instead of looking to always run away or start over and get something fresh in order to be happy .. i'm sure i'll screw that up too eventually, but right now it seems appealing .. how many times am i going to have to 'start over' before i am content with something for more than a month or whatever ..

why do i feel like i constantly need someone there to tell me im doing the right thing .. why cant i tell that for myself? i dont get that feel good feeling unless someone else helps give it to me .. why????? i'm sick of getting a taste or being happy, then completely mentally wrecking myself and screwing it all up and being miserable for a year or whatever .. why do i do this? how do i do this? how do i get out of it and why cant i do it by myself instead of alwas depending on another person?

i wanna feel special, and worth someone's time .. as vain as it sounds, i want someone to think about me .. i want someone to care .. i was thinking today - at the beginning of the semester while we were 'talking' or whatever you call it, little things just made me feel wanted, and not even romantic or clingy things .. i remember one night he couldn't get ahold of me because i was with a friend or in a meeting or something, and he was worried because he thought i was on duty and thought i slept through it and didn't want me to get in trouble .. he came over to my building to make sure i was ok .. this was before anything really even happened .. even in my 'rebound' or whatever you want to call it last year .. i remember i left his house, and it had just started snowing .. when i got home, i talked to my mom for a good hour as soon as i walked in the door and forgot to text him back .. when i got back to my phone, i had 7 text messages and 10 missed calls from him seeing if i got home ok and starting to freak out because i hadn't answered him .. when i called him back, he was half way to my house to make sure that i hadn't wrecked or gone over a hill or something to where no one would see me ..

ok, so maybe that was a little extreme .. but its just the comfort of knowing that someone cares and wants to make sure you're ok .. makes you feel good, makes you feel valuable and worth something .. but why do i need that from someone else? ughhh

I swore I never wanted to be more than your weakest moment now

this week was pretty decent .. I've been going to the gym more with friends and trying to be more active .. maybe by keeping busy I can distract my mind .. I talked to my ex last weekend, which is very shocking because it was an awful breakup and we talk maybe threetimes a year now .. it was a good conversation and it was nice to see that there is a possibility there of us being friends inthe future .. we had been best friends since we were nine and have basically cut off contact since we broke up a year and a half ago ..

I hung out with some of my guy friends from high school last weekend .. although they aren't my closest friends, it was nice to just and have a laid back time .. Easter was good, except by great great aunts husband who is 94 passed out in church and they sit right behind us .. scared the living daylight out of me .. he went to the hospital and ended up being ok; but it still freaked me out ..

this week has been ok with what all has been on my mind .. I'm trying to just let go and not let him realize that I care because that does nothing but make me vulernable .. I just hate that I can't just kick it, I feel so retarded .. i've let him approach me and kind of just taken a defensive approach .. why put myself out there? we've talked a little this week, but just small and somewhat meaningless conversation in passing or whatever .. I need to look of for me, but for some reason I still semi care .. I just want to be a good person and stop feeling so crappy and vulnerable .. it's got a little better, but I just want that magical moment to change it all ..

on a happy note, the weather has been absolutley gorgeous this week! I saw my favorite flower today, a deep purple tulip and it aS beautiful .. I love summer, but just hate that I'm stuck at the bank instead of being free and having fun .. I tried to find a different job, but the bottomline is I need that money and I won't get it working anywhere else just for a summer .. just gotta pray and ask God to get me through everything .. there's a reason for everything .. " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phillipians 4:13

i need to focus on me .. how can i be me? who am i?

why do i still care so much .. it's completely obvious that nothing is going to happen .. people are sick of hearing about it .. soo why can't i just kick this ?!? is it the meaner someone is to you and the more they push you away the more you want them? i don't get it .. is that why i can't stop caring? i just get scared and get an anxious feeling in my stomach, but shouldn't .. i shouldn't care at all, but i can't help it .. ughhh ..

i know the more i care the more i annoy him and that pushes him away, which makes me want him more and it's just an awful circle .. i just want to relax and not care like i did at the beginning, but idk how to anymore .. i wanna just be chill and not care or be scared or anxious about anything .. i want to not care whether or not something happens .. i wanna focus on me, but i can't stop driving myself nuts !!!