guess I'd rather feel hurt than nothing at all ..

it's so beautiful outside! this weather just makes me want to forget everything and just breathe .. and honestly that's what I think I need to do ..

I keep flipping back and forth between genuinely caring and trying to let go .. I don't want to care and let it all consume me, but for some reason I miss him .. maybe I just miss feeling good about myself, but that is slowly starting to come back .. I'm trying to focus on loving myself, I just hate that I have to feel like someone else has to approve for me to do that ..

I genuinely want to be friends with him, without anything being awkward .. I miss just being able to open up and have that friendship and reliability .. that some sense of security and protection, even if it's just as friends ..

the happier i try to be, the more miserable i become .. what the heck is wrong with me ????? my friend from a few hours away came and stayed with me for a few days .. we are COMPLETE opposites .. im a complete conservative, religious, by the books girl and he's gay, very liberal, and soo out there .. it was nice to see him, but now i know there's a reason why we live far apart ..

i went with one of my residents to the er tonight .. i've been in a funk for the past couple days, imagine that .. hospitals have a weird way of just freaking me out and making me sad .. its not the dying or sick part .. its seeing families and friends being there for someone and showing them God's love .. maybe i'm jealous .. that makes me feel like an awful person .. her boyfriend came and was comforting her .. it was soo adorable .. instead of being happy, i was jealous .. why am i so selfish????? why do i only think about myself?????

it makes me want to be someone else .. i just want a friend, someone who cares more than anything, that'll be there for me like her friends were for her .. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life .. i'm soooo lost .. faith wise, friend wise, anything wise .. what is my purpose in life .. im soo lost and feel so alone .. why do i need to depend on other people????? why ?????

so this boy that i should forget about but for some odd reason cant, i called him to see if i could talk to him when i got back to school .. he asked what was wrong, and its just one of those days where i need a friend and a hug .. i thought we were genuine friends and could count on each other .. he said he'd love to help me out, but has a presentation to finish and didn't get much sleep last night, but we could talk over the phone .. is talking on the phone going to help you get your homework done versus the same amount of time in person? hmmm ok .. is it my fault you went out last night? why say if you ever need a friend i'll be here for you? why say that when thats not the truth? why do i believe people when they say that? all my "friends" say that, yet im still soo alone tonight ..

ya, we're just friends, but why did i think i could count on him .. are my expectations for "friends" too high or something? am i not even good enough to be his friend? he told me he feels like he can't do anything right and always is making me miserable, even though we have barely talked lately? he said he feels like nothing he can say is going to convince me to think that he doesn't hate me .. for some reason that's what i think .. but i treat my friends a lot better i guess .. i try to include them in my life and want to be around them .. that's why they are my friend .. maybe he wants to be my version of acquaintances? say hi when you see each other, but that's about it .. that's not a friend ..

if he would have called me, i would have been there in a heartbeat .. what is wrong with me? am i too vulnerable? how do i balance respecting myself, yet showing other people God's love .. do i need to show myself this? what am i doing with my life? help!!!

livin' on a prayer

things have been getting a lot better .. not that much as changed, but i guess i'm just dealing with it in a better way .. we've been acting like friends which is nice and takes away the awkwardness .. last night he came over for about an hour or so and just talked about the same things we talked about the night before on the phone .. i could have easily gave my bitchy opinion, but i took my feelings and emotions out of it and just tried to be a genuine friend that he can trust and come to when he needs something ..

as hard as i thought that'd be, i think it's actually helping me to kind of tell him to find him self and be strong .. it somewhat validates what i'm trying to convince myself to do .. it makes me feel good that he feels comfortable enough and trusts me enough to come to me, even if it is about another girl .. even though that seems like it'd be awkward, it does make me feel like he values my opinion in a way ..

tonight he texted me and said please pray for me .. he said he wasn't comfortable telling me what it was right now, but he'd tell me eventually .. and that as of right now, just to kind of a say a little prayer .. he wouldn't give me the slightest hint about anything that it was, which is probably one of the worst punishments for me! haha .. he said he hadn't said anything to anyone else, but idk if that includes her or not .. if the situation is about her or just has to do with what has been going on between them :/ .. my mind is honestly going a million miles a minute .. does he want me to pray that he can be with her? to make her want him? to make him not feel like he does anymore? i have no idea what to think .. but again, idk why but he said he only said something to me .. why me? hmm ..

and during that conversation that lasted probably about 45 minutes, it was friendly and joking and he didn't seem as sad as he has been .. does this have to do with what he wants me to pray for him about? is he happy cause things are working with her? it's just soo confusing ..

why can't i be just what i am .. have i lost the real me behind my charades

today was open house at school, and as an RA, we are responsible for working it and putting it on .. it ended around noon and tonight we had group interviews for RA applicants for the fall that went from 6-9 .. i was expecting an awkward day .. that's pretty much what i got haha ..

as i expected, it was pretty awkward between him and i this morning .. kind of avoided each other most of the morning without being blatantly obvious and bitchy to each other .. i wanted to talk to him and be friends, but i honestly don't know what to say .. i get around him and just clam up .. i tried to be peppy and outgoing and nice to everyone around me so he wouldn't see me sad or anything like that .. he finally said hi to me about 2 hours later, but was in passing on the way to sit down .. he didn't actually stop and talk to me .. idk why, but i started being stupid and thinking and thinking and a minute later i went to the bathroom and threw up .. yes, i'm that stupid ..

we didn't talk the rest of the open house or anything .. i went with some friends out for lunch and to walmart .. they're people i normally don't hang out with, but i had an awesome time! really made me feel a lot better and i had fun goofing around and just enjoying myself ..

tonight at group interviews, i guess i walked right by him and put my head down and didn't even look at him? that ticked him off i guess .. i didn't do it on purpose, i was just trying to talk to other people and be peppy .. he left within the first hour because he had to be on duty tonight .. i was on duty too, but another girl in my building offered to check in so i could stay at group interviews .. i didn't know he was on duty, so i thought that he offered to check in just so he didn't have to be around me .. he honestly looked miserable all day .. i didn't know if he just didn't wanna be doing those things or was mad at me or mad about something in general .. but really, he looked unhappy and miserable ..

i ended up texting him an hour or two later and asked him if he was ok and if he was mad because he didn't look good .. he said he felt like i didn't want to talk to him and stuff and if thats what i wanted he understood .. he hung up real quick because we aren't supposed to have our cell phones on duty and that's what we were talking on .. he texted me and said someone came in and thats why, which happens a lot .. i tried to call him 10 min later, then texted him twice and no response .. i didn't know if it was her that stopped by or what and thats why he wasn't returning it ..

finally he called back .. i was being nice and stuff and he sounded pisses and was like why did you email her .. i guess they got in a fight or something today and she told him that i emailed her .. she wouldn't tell him what i said, but told him that i think the world of him or something .. he got mad because i didn't tell him and that i didn't want him to know, when the reason why i didn't want him to know was to save drama and have him not think that i'm trying to interfere .. i told him i'd read it to him and he was like no no i dont wanna hear it, im just pissed you did it and didn't say anything to me .. i started crying because the reason i did it was to try and be a good person because i still feel like a bad person .. then i feel worse when it makes him mad ..

he thought maybe i told her stuff that he's told me about them and that i just blabbed everything .. it hurt me that he thinks i might be that kind of person that'll blab as soon as things go bad and rat him out .. he said she'd be pissed if she knew some of the things he's told me .. but im not like that .. he said he understood, but said that i didn't need to send that to her and was still kind of bugged that i didn't tell him ..

he said its either been really good or really bad with her .. he feels close to her and loves her a lot, but then when he brings up what's going to happen she kind of blows it off or says idk yet and stuff .. he's getting frustrated .. i know they've been together a heck of a lot longer than we were, but its like the same situation i was in .. i wanted to be with him and he didn't know and would flip flop everyday .. he said he realizes why i feel the way i do now and apologized for making me feel that way .. oh karma ..

he loves her, and he always will .. but he's at that stage where he just wants it to go back to how it used to be .. but i honestly don't know if thats possible .. its easy for me to say that, but i know its hard for him to understand it .. it took me 4 months to realize the person i loved was never coming back .. we only think of the good times .. people do change .. when do they get to a point where its too much to switch back .. and does she want to switch back to how she used to be? ..

i honestly feel so bad for him and just want to help him because when i was in that stage with my ex, i know how hopeless you feel and you dont wanna give up .. i genuinely care about him as a friend and want to do everything i can to help him .. we talked for almost an hour about this and i just listened and tried to be a friend to him .. do i want to be with him? no .. do i enjoy his company? yes .. do i miss being friends and hanging out sometimes? of course ..

i know its easy for me to say this not having the feelings he does for her, but i really think they both need they're space and time to figure it all out .. if its meant to be they will BOTH discover it, not one try to sway the other ..

why be with someone if they don't make you happy? you should be in a relationship because you wanna share your life with someone, not because they are your life .. it makes me feel good that he confided in me enough to tell me everything that's been going on .. and im trying my best to remove my emotions from the situation and just be a genuine friend .. i know im not ready to be in a relationship anyways with the things that have been going on in my head lately .. i need to focus on me and he needs to focus on making him happy, not getting her back ..

if it makes you happy, then why are you so sad ..

im sooo tired of being so anxious all the time .. i told him i needed to talk on Monday, so we talked for about a half and hour .. and he told me that him and his ex are now talking again and are trying to work things out .. he said he still loves her and he still loves him, but she's scared .. i told him he's always going to have that feeling no matter what, but he didn't expect that and still feels uncomfortable being with someone else knowing it's there .. i expected him to just take some time for himself, not to automatically jump back to her ..

ya, it kind of hurts, but at the same time he's been nothing but honest .. i have no reason to think anything bad of her and have heard nothing but good things about her, but part of me thinks if he hadn't been talking to me, then she wouldn't have said anything to him .. i think she kind of knew if she said something it'd make hi think and go back to her .. sometimes i feel like she knows him well enough to know what'll bug him and what'll bring him back .. i don't think she likes seeing that someone else can make him happy .. right now he's basically waiting for her and eating out of the palm of his hand ..

part of me feels bad because maybe he's being manipulated in some way, idk .. another part of me thinks he's stupid for just going back all of a sudden and forgetting everything .. they are ex's for a reason ..

there's just really no good way to look at it from my situation .. it's just a crappy situation all around and i don't like that .. i hate feeling like that girl .. as much as i told him i didn't wanna be, i was the rebound and i feel like i got played, even if he didn't mean it .. i feel like a bad person, even though i technically didn't do anything wrong .. i wrote her a message just apologizing if i hurt her feelings in anyway and if i interfered with anything, but i honestly didn't know there was a possibility of them getting back together until i was too invested .. i probably shouldn't have done that, but i want to let her know that i do genuinely feel bad, even if i don't agree with the situation that'd going on or how things are going down ..

i should stop worrying about it, because it's obviously done .. but i can't get it off my mind .. it just really confuses me ..

are you honestly in love with her and want to change to be with her or are you in love with the memory and what it used to be .. you have to know when to say when

well how could we have known

i thought spring break was supposed to give me some space and time to just forget everything .. and that semi worked, but for the most part, i'm probably worse off then i was before .. as i sit in my room, i see myself falling back into the same slump and thinking the same things .. why do i do this to myself??? what the heck is wrong with me???

i want to text him and see if he wants to get dinner or just see how his break was, but i can't help but feel so annoying and pestering .. i don't want him to have to deal with me, it's bad enough i have to .. no matter how much i think these thoughts, they still won't go away .. i want to talk to him and tell him what i've been thinking, even though i'm sure that isn't going to help anything .. but at the same time, i'm terrified that's its going to be the last time we talk and that's it .. no friendship, no nothing .. why is this so hard? it hasn't been that long, so why is it tearing me up like it is??? ughhh ..

part of me just wishes he'd call or text and be like just kidding it was a joke .. part of me wants him to be like i realized that i want to be with you and care about you soo much .. part of me wants to feel beautiful and feel loved .. but then part of me thinks i don't deserve that .. part of me thinks what makes me so special that i he'd want me over anyone else .. part of me thinks i'm so stupid for letting myself have these feelings that i now can't get rid of ..

i did everything i thought i could to look out for myself .. i didn't just give in right away .. i played the hard to get thing and waited for him to come to me .. ya, i flirted and had fun, but i didn't show this crazy, needy, psycho side of me .. and he did come to me, he pulled me aside one night after he got off duty and said i do care about you and i do want to be with you, and i know i need a little bit of time, but i don't want to lose you .. i would lay in my bed at night after coming back from his room and he'd text me and be like i can't sleep, i just can't stop thinking about you and things like that .. he'd invite me on stupid trips off the hill or to eat or the movies or random things that made me feel appreciated .. that made me feel good about myself .. that made me feel respected and cared about .. that made me like myself ..

why did i believe it? he is a truly genuine person and i really thought he meant it .. was he just tricking himself .. was i being tricked? how did i fall for it .. how can i be so stupid .. i thought i kept my wall up long enough, i thought i looked out for myself, but now im a babbling mess .. i want to go back to that content and strong girl that i was when we started hanging out .. that made him come to me and not put myself out there .. but not im vulnerable as all get out .. my feelings have been put out there and basically given back to me .. now im the needy and crazy girl and can't do anything to go back to how it was ..

why do i need his validation or appreciation or care to like myself? why did i feel so good about myself when he cared too? why do i need that?

something as stupid as seeing a picture of him at his friend's house for his friend's birthday .. the same friend who just started dating the girl i went to high school with .. of course she was there .. another friend and his girlfriend were there .. and then him .. and the friend's family of course .. i didn't get anything all over break, not even a 'how you doing' or anything .. he had a good time and i'm glad .. i shouldn't be jealous or envious .. but i know i am and i hate that about myself ..

somedays i try to think positive and think maybe we'll get back to school and talk and he'll realize that this can work .. then i think more realistically and am scared to talk to him to hear it all finalized and set in stone .. to hear that i can't be with you right now because i don't know if i want you or not .. to hear that i'm not good enough to erase all the doubts off his mind .. his friend was good enough to erase my friend's doubts, but i'm not .. i can't help but feel embarassed and oh so vulnerable ..

my worst fear

i have no idea which way is up anymore .. i couldn't tell you a consistant answer on anything because my mind races a million miles a second .. one minute i know what 'i want' and the next im questioning everything in the world going on around me ..

i genuinely care and like the kid .. i care about him as a person and want him to be ok .. yes, i've missed the cuddling and kissing, but i more miss just being around him and seeing that he is happy .. he's going through a lot right now, and all i want is to make sure he is doing ok .. i wish i could help him in anyway or at least provide some kind of comfort to him, but i just provide an annoyance and a burden .. something as simple as texting and saying 'hey, how are you doing' would probably drive him nuts and not make him want to talk to me .. i respect how he feels, this is why i just try to silence myself and ignore my feelings ..

do i want to be with him? yes .. do i miss cuddling and being cute? yes .. do certain things about how we were bug me? yes .. so what does all this mean ?!?!?!?!?

i miss being with him, i miss being close, i miss feeling like somebody cares about me and wants to make sure that i am ok and taken care of .. do i miss that feeling from him or that feeling in general? am i settling for the first guy i'm attracted to and connect with? am i scared of not finding someone else down the road? is that why i'm holding on to this so tight? or do i truly have those feelings for him? are they stronger because he doesn't know if he wants me or her or noone? how do we distinguish the difference?

i do not know her at all, besides what i have heard and what he has told me .. i have zero room to judge her .. i cannot not like her, nor can i hate her because she has done nothing to me and has every right to possess the feelings she has, i have been that girl .. do i feel bad for her? honestly, some days yes .. i know what it's like to be that girl that just wants her life to go back to the perfect way it was .. do i still feel that way now? heck no haha .. i know where she is coming from, but it honestly just takes time .. maybe they are meant to be, only God knows that right now ..

everything happens for a reason .. but what is the reasoning behind all of this? was i involved to make him realize how much he cares about her? was it to make her realize how much she cares about him? what am i learning from it all? to not take a chance? should i remain more guarded, even when i think all of my little insecurities have been proven to be ok? will i ever find someone who truly cares? do i deserve it? am i to make him realize he can be happy with someone else, even if that's not me? what does all this mean .. will i ever be happy? or is that just me thinking selfishly? do i deserve to think that way sometimes? do i think that way at teh wrong times?

i look through past pictures from camp and school and see the way people interact .. you know the way when you have a crush on someone and that's all you can think about .. i wonder what they're thinking or doing or if they're looking at me right now or if they're going to this event tonight or whatever it may be .. i remember thinking that way about my ex and wondering what he thinking and if it was about me like i was thinking about him .. looking at random pictures, not even of him - just random people, i began to semi get those reactions, these of which i have not considered yet in this point of our hanging out .. what does that mean? am i jealous? do i have them just because i want someone to care? do i envy him? do i envy her? why can't i just be happy with myself?!?!?

one of his close friends just recently started dating a girl i went to high school with .. they've been talking for maybe about half the time we have been hanging out .. his friend was talking to a different girl at the beginning of the semester, and now is head over heels in love with the girl i went to high school with .. he, too, just got out of a serious relationship .. the boys would joke about how long it'd take for them to be in a relationship again .. mine was supposed to win the battle, but that didn't happen .. his friend is honestly in love with this girl .. and good for them! i am happy that someone can work out .. the girl was in a similar situation to my guy's, yet she put it all behind her and took a chance .. am i jealous of them? do i envy them? honestly, i can say yes, for the fact that they know what they want and treat each other how they deserve to be treated .. they truly do care about each other .. do i envy them? i really don't know .. i envy the passion and control they seem to have over everything, but i think it's a little to fast for my taste at the moment .. heck, we can't even hold hands in public or kiss in a public place where we know NO ONE without being afraid that someone will see it or start a rumor .. a happy medium would be nice ..

i want someone who is proud to have to, who wants others to know that i am his, who wants to make me happy and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that i make him happier than anyone else .. do i want him to feel that way? of course i do .. do i feel that way about him? lately i don't know .. we haven't hung out and had that interaction as much to be able to say that's what makes me happy .. however, even when we fight or i get angry, i'd rather be around him and be mad than be by myself .. i'd rather deal with the stress than be alone .. i feel like he has been so worried about hurting me or leading me on, that we can't just hang out and have a good time like we used too .. has this been causing me more pain than good? lately yes, but when i'm actually with him, it stills brightens my day even if it is a bad situation ..

am i too young to think i can find someone who will think the world of me right now? am i naive to want someone to think that of me? do i deserve to have someone feel that way about me? i look around at people who are 'dating' and wonder what goes through there head .. how do they know that that person will not hurt them and that they mean the world to that person .. and if they don't know that, how can they be ok with 'dating'? .. i can say i'm jealous of the carefreeness that people approach things such as this with ..

i realize that him and his ex have been through a lot together and it is going to take time .. when we talk about it, sometimes he refers to her as his girlfriend, not realizing he forgot the EX part .. they were together a long time and went through a lot .. she has helped him more than probably anyone in his life, and its understandable that he is going to be grateful to her for a long time .. he is a completely different person now than when they first started dating, which is a good thing .. i give her credit for sticking with it all and giving her all to him and helping him become a better person .. i do admire her strength for that .. when does helping someone out cross the line between doing it because it is the right thing to do & because you want to and looking for some kind of benefit or reward from it all .. like i said, i have to understand they have been through a lot, but is that enough reason to try to stay together just because of all the trials and tribulations that have happened .. sometimes you have to know when to say when and call it a day .. i don't know if that is the case here or not, and honestly it is none of my business .. i wonder if i feel this way because i do have feelings towards him or if this is how i turly feel? i feel so blinded in my thinking and my judgments ..

am i ready to have these strong feelings again? am i ready to give that much of myself? do i know if i even want to or do i just like the idea of it? everywhere i look around me, i see happy couples getting together without a care in the world .. how do they know ?!?!? and why can't they tell me ?!?!?

what scares me the most is, do i even need to think this way? the probability of them getting back together isn't looking too bad right now .. so why am i feeling all these emotions ?!?!? is this all just a waste of me? i know i should just forget all about it and if it works out in the future, then it will without me trying to make it work .. but if i forget about it so easily, does that mean i didn't care or try? there's just soooo much .. honestly, i think they will get back together, and i'm scared to feel like a bigger joke and idiot that i feel right now .. i understand you cannot help how you feel, especially when it comes to the opposite sex .. but am i really just setting myself up? should i have known better? even now .. why am i still holding on ?!? i should be out, enjoying myself, and not still consuming myself with all of this .. what is wrong with me ?!?!?!

am i even being given a chance in all of this? do i even deserve a chance? maybe i am just there to make him realize how much he loves her .. i truly hope not, but maybe that is how God is working through me to get to them .. what is this all doing for me then? i can't help but feel more stupid as each day passes and i realize that i make him want her more .. but i can't shake these feelings still ..

am i going to get more hurt out of this? more than likely .. who's fault will it be? no one's but my own .. so why the heck am i still doing this to myself and how do i stop???? please tell me

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same ..

wow .. wow .. wow ..

these past few weeks have been so hectic .. spring break is this week, that means fun in the sun and not having a care in the world, right? i wish! no exciting plans for spring break, which doesn't help the over analyzing everything and thinking too much, but hey, why would i expect something to be easy? lol ..

the weekend before last, myself and a bunch of friends went out at the tiny bar that's in my school's town .. a whole 2 tables in the place, but whatever .. it was a good time .. didn't drink that much, but enough to have an enjoyable evening .. still 'friends' with the boy .. i locked myself out of my room that night, so my friend just walked me back to the boy's room, who was on duty that night, since it was on the way to my friend's dorm as well .. it was fun, flirty, whatever .. when i woke up in the morning, he looked at me and said he had been up for an hour or so and had been just thinking about everything (can't be good, right?) ..

he starts into this whole thing about how maybe we just shouldn't talk or be friends at all because that seems to be hurting me more and leading me on no matter what it says .. honestly, i'd rather deal with the drama of not knowing what's going to happen than just say let's not talk until i figure out what i want, which could be a year from now, you never know .. i'd rather feel semi useful or important than just disposable and in the way .. i guess this has been coming for the last month or so, but was never really achieved before if that makes sense . .we would say we'd hang out less or whatever, but when we'd get together, it'd still be the flirty,cuddly whatever it was, and that was mostly my fault .. but the fact was, it still happened .. i knew it wouldn't help, but i still did it anyways ..

i genuinely do care about the boy as a person, not just in a romantic or sexual way .. i can see he has a huge heart and truly does not want to hurt anyone, and that makes me want to be around him that much more .. through everything that's happened lately, i know he's trying not to hurt me and isn't doing anything to be malicious or anything towards me .. i respect him soo much for being up front and honest with me .. it'd be almost easier for me to forget everything if he'd just be an ass of do something retarded .. but i really don't think that's him, or at least not that i've seen so far ..

he's going through a lot right now, and i know this whole pressure and relationship thing is the last thing he needs to worry about right now, which is why we really aren't communicating at all .. he has so much to figure out, so much to deal with .. i don't want to out anymore stress or bother on him, but at the same time i want to be there for him as a friend and him be able to trust me and come to me when he needs someone or something .. but i also know i'm the farthest thing from what he wants to be around right now, just because of all the emotions and crap that comes with it .. im stuck between wanting to show how i feel and just be a supportive and good friend .. it sucks to know that the only way i can help him out or make him feel better is to let him do his own thing and not talk to him .. it makes me feel like a bad person almost because i think if i was something special, he would want me in his life to help him feel better ..

i just don't know .. i've been very calm and level headed about everything lately .. just going with the flow .. i know he still has feelings for his ex, and i completely understand that .. i've been there, and it's not easy .. i don't want to get wrapped up in all this drama, because it's none of my business .. but at the same time, i can't help how i feel .. do i just tell me heart to shut up and do what i 'think' i 'should' do, or do i continue to put myself out there again, like i have been doing, and see how things work out .. do i wait for him to come to me? will he ever come to me? do i just forget about it all together? then what? just soo much to decide ..

i have mang things to deal with on my own too before i should get involved with someone .. but when you're with someone, it's easier to forget about all those bad things or cover them up .. yes, thats the wrong thing to do, but it works out soo well .. then, when a stone gets thrown in the world, everything falls a part like it did last week .. one thing can trigger and total breakdown .. i want to figure out who i am and love myself .. i feel like i have soo much love to give, but i'd give it to anybody else before myself .. why do i depend on other people for my happiness? why do i look for some kind of validation before i can be ok with myself? why am i constantly waiting for others reactions to what i do before i deem it to be ok?