.. someone who searched for God's truths like a child searching for seashells ..

i was more excited to start this semester than to end it .. isn't it supposed to be the opposite? just something about it feels unfinished, like something else needs to happen .. it doesn't feel like summer should be here yet ..

a couple weeks ago, he called me at 2:30 am after he got back from the bar, saying he was outside my building and if i could let him in so he could visit for an hour or so .. i was thinking umm what? but was dumb enough to actually let him in .. stupid me .. he knows i'll always answer my phone, no matter if its him or someone else .. thats just the kind of person i am .. i'd rather anyone call me and be safe than be stupid ..

ya, things happened that probably shouldn't have, but i found myself not getting attached or caring .. when he left he was the one hanging around being awkward while i walked away without a care in the world .. it felt good to just be able to say goodbye and not care .. should i have let him in? probably not .. but i did .. was it a bad thing that happened? probably .. strangely, it didn't really affect me though .. i dont want to be with him .. if he wants to randomly call me and i want to randomly call him with no expectations, then why not .. the problem is, he doesn't answer when i call him .. i dont mind the random visits like that, even though i should .. i just want to be shown the same respect if i would call him .. but of course, he gives that excuse of 'i'm just different from you' or something lame ..

the following day, we had to work a festival thing at school, so we were around each other a lot that day .. it wasn't really awkward and i acted like i didnt have a care in the world .. he asked if he could borrow $2 to get a snowcone and i said ya, whatever (which i have yet to get back and probably never will) .. we were cornhole partners and i totally carried his ass .. but anyways, it wasnt bad at all .. he left to go out and my friends and i stayed for the rest of the night .. i called him later and texted him multiple times, and of course no response .. my friend called him and he answered, but then she hung up .. i called him right after that and nothing .. the next morning i called him to see if he was alive and he said his 'phone was on silent' .. umm ya, really?

i'm just fed up .. i dont wanna be with you, unfortunately im semi attracted to you though .. you dont have to hang out with me, just be nice and respect me .. treat me with the same respect that i treat you with .. that's all i want .. that night, i messaged him and asked if we could talk sometime about what had happened since it was finals week and we'd all be leaving to go home .. ya, we live in the same city, but obviously that doesn't mean anything .. he said ya, thats fine, and i told him to let me know what was convenient for him ..

surprise surprise, come friday night, nothing yet .. i texted him and asked if we could talk that night and said i was having a really bad day and just needed a friend .. he said he didn't know because his cousin may have been coming up that night to see him .. around ten thirty or so, i texted him with a question mark and he said he was with his cousin .. i apologized and just let it go .. the next day we had to work graduation and we didnt speak until afterwards .. when cleaning up, i'd asked him if he'd help me take my tv to my car since i live on the 3rd floor .. he said ya, but he was leaving soon so it'd be soon .. i told him that was ok and to just text me when he was ready .. he said ok .. this was around 12:30-1 .. come 4 oclock, my car and my moms car is mostly loaded already .. i'm the only one left in my building and the only thing not loaded is my tv because i have a space in my car left for it .. some other stuff i couldnt put in the car because it was going around or on the tv .. i called him, and surprise, didnt answer .. i called about ten min later and left a voicemail basically asking if he was going to help me with my tv or not .. i was embarrassed because i had to explain everything to my mom .. like i said, i was pretty much the last one there, so any other guys that i could have asked to help were already gone .. i would have asked somebody else if he had said no, it wouldn't have been a big deal .. ughh ..

i have YET to hear anything from him .. no call, no text, no email, no facebook nothing .. are you kidding me? i'm just soo frustrated and fed up .. what did i do for you not even to respect me as a friend? it sucks because i still think of him as this awesome guy who was there for me and was just a good friend, and now he doesn't even act like i exist .. i wish i could change my mindset of thinking he's this nice guy because he's really proving to be a complete ass .. why cant i kick this good image of him out of my mind ..