that's what i'm doing these days ..

there are good days, then there are bad days .. why do the bad outweigh the good? how do i make a conscience effort to try and make them good? i feel like i'm trying, but nothing i do is going to change how i think .. how do i flip the switch ?!?!?

im trying to focus on myself and how to make myself happy and what i need to do to have a good future and career .. but i don't know how to focus on myself .. i cant help but feel selfish when people tell me i just need to focus on me .. i dont want to .. i want to care about someone else .. i want to take care of them, and whatever happens with me happens .. i just want something to feel right and click into place .. i've been looking at grad schools and stuff lately, trying to plan the future out .. but ntohing is really appealing .. yes, grad school can be a scary thing, but i'm not excited at all .. how can i be happy with where i'm at now instead of looking to always run away or start over and get something fresh in order to be happy .. i'm sure i'll screw that up too eventually, but right now it seems appealing .. how many times am i going to have to 'start over' before i am content with something for more than a month or whatever ..

why do i feel like i constantly need someone there to tell me im doing the right thing .. why cant i tell that for myself? i dont get that feel good feeling unless someone else helps give it to me .. why????? i'm sick of getting a taste or being happy, then completely mentally wrecking myself and screwing it all up and being miserable for a year or whatever .. why do i do this? how do i do this? how do i get out of it and why cant i do it by myself instead of alwas depending on another person?

i wanna feel special, and worth someone's time .. as vain as it sounds, i want someone to think about me .. i want someone to care .. i was thinking today - at the beginning of the semester while we were 'talking' or whatever you call it, little things just made me feel wanted, and not even romantic or clingy things .. i remember one night he couldn't get ahold of me because i was with a friend or in a meeting or something, and he was worried because he thought i was on duty and thought i slept through it and didn't want me to get in trouble .. he came over to my building to make sure i was ok .. this was before anything really even happened .. even in my 'rebound' or whatever you want to call it last year .. i remember i left his house, and it had just started snowing .. when i got home, i talked to my mom for a good hour as soon as i walked in the door and forgot to text him back .. when i got back to my phone, i had 7 text messages and 10 missed calls from him seeing if i got home ok and starting to freak out because i hadn't answered him .. when i called him back, he was half way to my house to make sure that i hadn't wrecked or gone over a hill or something to where no one would see me ..

ok, so maybe that was a little extreme .. but its just the comfort of knowing that someone cares and wants to make sure you're ok .. makes you feel good, makes you feel valuable and worth something .. but why do i need that from someone else? ughhh