I'm Not A Princess ..

why can't things just work out the way you want them to .. or anyway that doesn't make you want to be someone else lol .. i honestly am just trying to be a good person .. i dont care if im not the popular one or whatever, i just want to feel in my heart that i am a good person .. the more i try, the more awful i feel and the farther from that i seem to be getting ..

the last couple days at the end of the week were good .. i was focused on me and just having a good time .. we were both incredibly bored friday night and were both on campus, so i asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie .. not hidden motivation, nothing .. he said he'd let me know w/in a half an hour because his friend may come over .. he called and said he was just gonna head to bed because he was really tired .. which is totally cool, and i didn't think about it from when i hung up the phone .. i didn't dwell on it, i didn't care ..

yesterday was my school's spring football game, so of course there were a lot of parties last night .. i dont normally go out a lot, but decided to just hang out and have a good time .. i didn't think about him or wish i was with him .. i genuinely had a good time .. i had no intentions of calling or texting him at all that night, but someone asked a stupid question and i knew he would know the answer so i called him to find out .. he answered my question, then i asked him where he was at, which happened to be the bar that is right next to the house the party was at .. i asked if he'd mind if a friend and myself came over and said hi .. he said thats cool, but i just started a game of pool so maybe later because it'd be awkward ..

i honestly had every intention of just going later, but after a drink or so my time frame was a little off and later turned into 15 min .. my friend had to go to the bathroom, so we just went to the bar since we knew it'd be a little better than the house haha .. i gave him a hug and said hi .. he was ok at first, then was just being weird .. i asked if he wanted me to leave, because i genuinely didn't really care at this point haha .. he said he was just going to go back to his room .. outside, i asked him what was wrong, what did i do .. he said we embarassed him and were rude .. he didn't tell me that he only knew one of the people he was with .. i thought he knew everyone at the table .. he said he felt dumb because he didn't know these people and we clearly came to see him and he felt bad or whatever .. and was mad because my friend didn't ask if she could sit down because we didn't know the people .. i can see being kind of mad, but i think he slightly overreacted ..

so he walked to his car and i just let him go .. i wasn't dealing with it or anything .. i texted him about 10 min later and just said 'i'm sorry' .. next thing i know my phone rings and its him .. he asked where i was and told me to come to his car .. so i get in and we just sit there for like 30-45 minutes and talked .. it wasnt the normal 'i need space dont you realize it talk' .. its pretty obvious nothing is going to happen so im content with that .. it was more him telling me that i dont listen to him .. i felt awful .. i genuinely try to listen and not bug him .. but it seems the more i try to not hurt his feelings or make him mad the bigger the whole i dig myself ..

i told him i didn't come there to try and be flirty or get with him or whatever .. i genuinely was coming over to say hi and had no intentions of anything else .. he said he believed me, but was still kind of angry about it .. even if i didn't do anything, im still going to get upset over it and feel like its my fault .. i didnt think i did anything wrong, but still feel like complete crap for making him sad and semi ruining his night or whatever .. and me being the cry baby that i am, cant shut off the waterworks even though it was something as stupid as you don't listen to me lol .. he was like i feel like i always make you cry .. i do nothing but hurt you .. that made me feel awful .. i wasnt crying to make him feel bad, it just came out .. like usual, i was telling him how i felt like he doesnt want to be my friend and stuff .. he continued to tell me that i did nothing wrong and it wasnt my fault, but the fact is, im still in this situation and i still feel like crap ..

i told him that ya, sometimes i just miss cuddling and falling asleep with someone .. not because its him, but just becaues its someone .. someone who cares and wants to be there .. honestly, there have been times i want to say something but i know it'll only make things worse, so i dont .. i told him that .. i told him i miss those things, i miss stupid conversations and jokes that happen when you just hang out .. and he looked at me and said you really think that's going to help anything sara? he's still worried about leading me on .. i feel bad when i say this, but i just want to be close to someone .. so much of my life has been consumed with the sappy love songs or the ideal picture of the perfect life and not having anyone to turn to honestly breaks my heart .. and even when i dont try to 'be with him' i still ruin his night somehow .. i just wanna go back to not worrying about it all .. he knows im sooo vulnerable and he says he'd never take advantage of that, but sometimes i think it'd be easier if he did because i could have a reason to be mad .. that, too, makes me feel soo awful .. because he is such a good guy, and i keep sticking my foot in my mouth or ruining it, even the friendship .. nothing i can do is going to make things better, but i cant not care .. thats not me ..

i just want to know my purpose .. why do i care, even just as friends, if it keeps getting me in trouble .. i really feel more stupid each day .. i just wanna feel like someone appreciates me, someone cares about what i have to say and isn't going to make me second guess my actions around them .. someone wants to take the time to be around me and care about me, not me always bugging people or seeing whats going on .. why cant people come to me .. what do i do to turn people away from me .. i've lost soo many best friends in the past 4 years or so, whether they be from high school or boyfriends .. why??? what is wrong with me??? one or two people can be dismissed but up to like 4 or 5, what am i doing wrong? im trying to be more concious of what i do so i dont offend people, but i just keep losing people from my life ..

he told me i don't listen .. i want to listen, i try to listen .. but i feel like he says one thing and does another .. how do i listen? do i listen to him or me? what am i telling myself? i'm soo confused ..