sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same ..

wow .. wow .. wow ..

these past few weeks have been so hectic .. spring break is this week, that means fun in the sun and not having a care in the world, right? i wish! no exciting plans for spring break, which doesn't help the over analyzing everything and thinking too much, but hey, why would i expect something to be easy? lol ..

the weekend before last, myself and a bunch of friends went out at the tiny bar that's in my school's town .. a whole 2 tables in the place, but whatever .. it was a good time .. didn't drink that much, but enough to have an enjoyable evening .. still 'friends' with the boy .. i locked myself out of my room that night, so my friend just walked me back to the boy's room, who was on duty that night, since it was on the way to my friend's dorm as well .. it was fun, flirty, whatever .. when i woke up in the morning, he looked at me and said he had been up for an hour or so and had been just thinking about everything (can't be good, right?) ..

he starts into this whole thing about how maybe we just shouldn't talk or be friends at all because that seems to be hurting me more and leading me on no matter what it says .. honestly, i'd rather deal with the drama of not knowing what's going to happen than just say let's not talk until i figure out what i want, which could be a year from now, you never know .. i'd rather feel semi useful or important than just disposable and in the way .. i guess this has been coming for the last month or so, but was never really achieved before if that makes sense . .we would say we'd hang out less or whatever, but when we'd get together, it'd still be the flirty,cuddly whatever it was, and that was mostly my fault .. but the fact was, it still happened .. i knew it wouldn't help, but i still did it anyways ..

i genuinely do care about the boy as a person, not just in a romantic or sexual way .. i can see he has a huge heart and truly does not want to hurt anyone, and that makes me want to be around him that much more .. through everything that's happened lately, i know he's trying not to hurt me and isn't doing anything to be malicious or anything towards me .. i respect him soo much for being up front and honest with me .. it'd be almost easier for me to forget everything if he'd just be an ass of do something retarded .. but i really don't think that's him, or at least not that i've seen so far ..

he's going through a lot right now, and i know this whole pressure and relationship thing is the last thing he needs to worry about right now, which is why we really aren't communicating at all .. he has so much to figure out, so much to deal with .. i don't want to out anymore stress or bother on him, but at the same time i want to be there for him as a friend and him be able to trust me and come to me when he needs someone or something .. but i also know i'm the farthest thing from what he wants to be around right now, just because of all the emotions and crap that comes with it .. im stuck between wanting to show how i feel and just be a supportive and good friend .. it sucks to know that the only way i can help him out or make him feel better is to let him do his own thing and not talk to him .. it makes me feel like a bad person almost because i think if i was something special, he would want me in his life to help him feel better ..

i just don't know .. i've been very calm and level headed about everything lately .. just going with the flow .. i know he still has feelings for his ex, and i completely understand that .. i've been there, and it's not easy .. i don't want to get wrapped up in all this drama, because it's none of my business .. but at the same time, i can't help how i feel .. do i just tell me heart to shut up and do what i 'think' i 'should' do, or do i continue to put myself out there again, like i have been doing, and see how things work out .. do i wait for him to come to me? will he ever come to me? do i just forget about it all together? then what? just soo much to decide ..

i have mang things to deal with on my own too before i should get involved with someone .. but when you're with someone, it's easier to forget about all those bad things or cover them up .. yes, thats the wrong thing to do, but it works out soo well .. then, when a stone gets thrown in the world, everything falls a part like it did last week .. one thing can trigger and total breakdown .. i want to figure out who i am and love myself .. i feel like i have soo much love to give, but i'd give it to anybody else before myself .. why do i depend on other people for my happiness? why do i look for some kind of validation before i can be ok with myself? why am i constantly waiting for others reactions to what i do before i deem it to be ok?