today was open house at school, and as an RA, we are responsible for working it and putting it on .. it ended around noon and tonight we had group interviews for RA applicants for the fall that went from 6-9 .. i was expecting an awkward day .. that's pretty much what i got haha ..
as i expected, it was pretty awkward between him and i this morning .. kind of avoided each other most of the morning without being blatantly obvious and bitchy to each other .. i wanted to talk to him and be friends, but i honestly don't know what to say .. i get around him and just clam up .. i tried to be peppy and outgoing and nice to everyone around me so he wouldn't see me sad or anything like that .. he finally said hi to me about 2 hours later, but was in passing on the way to sit down .. he didn't actually stop and talk to me .. idk why, but i started being stupid and thinking and thinking and a minute later i went to the bathroom and threw up .. yes, i'm that stupid ..
we didn't talk the rest of the open house or anything .. i went with some friends out for lunch and to walmart .. they're people i normally don't hang out with, but i had an awesome time! really made me feel a lot better and i had fun goofing around and just enjoying myself ..
tonight at group interviews, i guess i walked right by him and put my head down and didn't even look at him? that ticked him off i guess .. i didn't do it on purpose, i was just trying to talk to other people and be peppy .. he left within the first hour because he had to be on duty tonight .. i was on duty too, but another girl in my building offered to check in so i could stay at group interviews .. i didn't know he was on duty, so i thought that he offered to check in just so he didn't have to be around me .. he honestly looked miserable all day .. i didn't know if he just didn't wanna be doing those things or was mad at me or mad about something in general .. but really, he looked unhappy and miserable ..
i ended up texting him an hour or two later and asked him if he was ok and if he was mad because he didn't look good .. he said he felt like i didn't want to talk to him and stuff and if thats what i wanted he understood .. he hung up real quick because we aren't supposed to have our cell phones on duty and that's what we were talking on .. he texted me and said someone came in and thats why, which happens a lot .. i tried to call him 10 min later, then texted him twice and no response .. i didn't know if it was her that stopped by or what and thats why he wasn't returning it ..
finally he called back .. i was being nice and stuff and he sounded pisses and was like why did you email her .. i guess they got in a fight or something today and she told him that i emailed her .. she wouldn't tell him what i said, but told him that i think the world of him or something .. he got mad because i didn't tell him and that i didn't want him to know, when the reason why i didn't want him to know was to save drama and have him not think that i'm trying to interfere .. i told him i'd read it to him and he was like no no i dont wanna hear it, im just pissed you did it and didn't say anything to me .. i started crying because the reason i did it was to try and be a good person because i still feel like a bad person .. then i feel worse when it makes him mad ..
he thought maybe i told her stuff that he's told me about them and that i just blabbed everything .. it hurt me that he thinks i might be that kind of person that'll blab as soon as things go bad and rat him out .. he said she'd be pissed if she knew some of the things he's told me .. but im not like that .. he said he understood, but said that i didn't need to send that to her and was still kind of bugged that i didn't tell him ..
he said its either been really good or really bad with her .. he feels close to her and loves her a lot, but then when he brings up what's going to happen she kind of blows it off or says idk yet and stuff .. he's getting frustrated .. i know they've been together a heck of a lot longer than we were, but its like the same situation i was in .. i wanted to be with him and he didn't know and would flip flop everyday .. he said he realizes why i feel the way i do now and apologized for making me feel that way .. oh karma ..
he loves her, and he always will .. but he's at that stage where he just wants it to go back to how it used to be .. but i honestly don't know if thats possible .. its easy for me to say that, but i know its hard for him to understand it .. it took me 4 months to realize the person i loved was never coming back .. we only think of the good times .. people do change .. when do they get to a point where its too much to switch back .. and does she want to switch back to how she used to be? ..
i honestly feel so bad for him and just want to help him because when i was in that stage with my ex, i know how hopeless you feel and you dont wanna give up .. i genuinely care about him as a friend and want to do everything i can to help him .. we talked for almost an hour about this and i just listened and tried to be a friend to him .. do i want to be with him? no .. do i enjoy his company? yes .. do i miss being friends and hanging out sometimes? of course ..
i know its easy for me to say this not having the feelings he does for her, but i really think they both need they're space and time to figure it all out .. if its meant to be they will BOTH discover it, not one try to sway the other ..
why be with someone if they don't make you happy? you should be in a relationship because you wanna share your life with someone, not because they are your life .. it makes me feel good that he confided in me enough to tell me everything that's been going on .. and im trying my best to remove my emotions from the situation and just be a genuine friend .. i know im not ready to be in a relationship anyways with the things that have been going on in my head lately .. i need to focus on me and he needs to focus on making him happy, not getting her back ..
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