my worst fear

i have no idea which way is up anymore .. i couldn't tell you a consistant answer on anything because my mind races a million miles a second .. one minute i know what 'i want' and the next im questioning everything in the world going on around me ..

i genuinely care and like the kid .. i care about him as a person and want him to be ok .. yes, i've missed the cuddling and kissing, but i more miss just being around him and seeing that he is happy .. he's going through a lot right now, and all i want is to make sure he is doing ok .. i wish i could help him in anyway or at least provide some kind of comfort to him, but i just provide an annoyance and a burden .. something as simple as texting and saying 'hey, how are you doing' would probably drive him nuts and not make him want to talk to me .. i respect how he feels, this is why i just try to silence myself and ignore my feelings ..

do i want to be with him? yes .. do i miss cuddling and being cute? yes .. do certain things about how we were bug me? yes .. so what does all this mean ?!?!?!?!?

i miss being with him, i miss being close, i miss feeling like somebody cares about me and wants to make sure that i am ok and taken care of .. do i miss that feeling from him or that feeling in general? am i settling for the first guy i'm attracted to and connect with? am i scared of not finding someone else down the road? is that why i'm holding on to this so tight? or do i truly have those feelings for him? are they stronger because he doesn't know if he wants me or her or noone? how do we distinguish the difference?

i do not know her at all, besides what i have heard and what he has told me .. i have zero room to judge her .. i cannot not like her, nor can i hate her because she has done nothing to me and has every right to possess the feelings she has, i have been that girl .. do i feel bad for her? honestly, some days yes .. i know what it's like to be that girl that just wants her life to go back to the perfect way it was .. do i still feel that way now? heck no haha .. i know where she is coming from, but it honestly just takes time .. maybe they are meant to be, only God knows that right now ..

everything happens for a reason .. but what is the reasoning behind all of this? was i involved to make him realize how much he cares about her? was it to make her realize how much she cares about him? what am i learning from it all? to not take a chance? should i remain more guarded, even when i think all of my little insecurities have been proven to be ok? will i ever find someone who truly cares? do i deserve it? am i to make him realize he can be happy with someone else, even if that's not me? what does all this mean .. will i ever be happy? or is that just me thinking selfishly? do i deserve to think that way sometimes? do i think that way at teh wrong times?

i look through past pictures from camp and school and see the way people interact .. you know the way when you have a crush on someone and that's all you can think about .. i wonder what they're thinking or doing or if they're looking at me right now or if they're going to this event tonight or whatever it may be .. i remember thinking that way about my ex and wondering what he thinking and if it was about me like i was thinking about him .. looking at random pictures, not even of him - just random people, i began to semi get those reactions, these of which i have not considered yet in this point of our hanging out .. what does that mean? am i jealous? do i have them just because i want someone to care? do i envy him? do i envy her? why can't i just be happy with myself?!?!?

one of his close friends just recently started dating a girl i went to high school with .. they've been talking for maybe about half the time we have been hanging out .. his friend was talking to a different girl at the beginning of the semester, and now is head over heels in love with the girl i went to high school with .. he, too, just got out of a serious relationship .. the boys would joke about how long it'd take for them to be in a relationship again .. mine was supposed to win the battle, but that didn't happen .. his friend is honestly in love with this girl .. and good for them! i am happy that someone can work out .. the girl was in a similar situation to my guy's, yet she put it all behind her and took a chance .. am i jealous of them? do i envy them? honestly, i can say yes, for the fact that they know what they want and treat each other how they deserve to be treated .. they truly do care about each other .. do i envy them? i really don't know .. i envy the passion and control they seem to have over everything, but i think it's a little to fast for my taste at the moment .. heck, we can't even hold hands in public or kiss in a public place where we know NO ONE without being afraid that someone will see it or start a rumor .. a happy medium would be nice ..

i want someone who is proud to have to, who wants others to know that i am his, who wants to make me happy and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that i make him happier than anyone else .. do i want him to feel that way? of course i do .. do i feel that way about him? lately i don't know .. we haven't hung out and had that interaction as much to be able to say that's what makes me happy .. however, even when we fight or i get angry, i'd rather be around him and be mad than be by myself .. i'd rather deal with the stress than be alone .. i feel like he has been so worried about hurting me or leading me on, that we can't just hang out and have a good time like we used too .. has this been causing me more pain than good? lately yes, but when i'm actually with him, it stills brightens my day even if it is a bad situation ..

am i too young to think i can find someone who will think the world of me right now? am i naive to want someone to think that of me? do i deserve to have someone feel that way about me? i look around at people who are 'dating' and wonder what goes through there head .. how do they know that that person will not hurt them and that they mean the world to that person .. and if they don't know that, how can they be ok with 'dating'? .. i can say i'm jealous of the carefreeness that people approach things such as this with ..

i realize that him and his ex have been through a lot together and it is going to take time .. when we talk about it, sometimes he refers to her as his girlfriend, not realizing he forgot the EX part .. they were together a long time and went through a lot .. she has helped him more than probably anyone in his life, and its understandable that he is going to be grateful to her for a long time .. he is a completely different person now than when they first started dating, which is a good thing .. i give her credit for sticking with it all and giving her all to him and helping him become a better person .. i do admire her strength for that .. when does helping someone out cross the line between doing it because it is the right thing to do & because you want to and looking for some kind of benefit or reward from it all .. like i said, i have to understand they have been through a lot, but is that enough reason to try to stay together just because of all the trials and tribulations that have happened .. sometimes you have to know when to say when and call it a day .. i don't know if that is the case here or not, and honestly it is none of my business .. i wonder if i feel this way because i do have feelings towards him or if this is how i turly feel? i feel so blinded in my thinking and my judgments ..

am i ready to have these strong feelings again? am i ready to give that much of myself? do i know if i even want to or do i just like the idea of it? everywhere i look around me, i see happy couples getting together without a care in the world .. how do they know ?!?!? and why can't they tell me ?!?!?

what scares me the most is, do i even need to think this way? the probability of them getting back together isn't looking too bad right now .. so why am i feeling all these emotions ?!?!? is this all just a waste of me? i know i should just forget all about it and if it works out in the future, then it will without me trying to make it work .. but if i forget about it so easily, does that mean i didn't care or try? there's just soooo much .. honestly, i think they will get back together, and i'm scared to feel like a bigger joke and idiot that i feel right now .. i understand you cannot help how you feel, especially when it comes to the opposite sex .. but am i really just setting myself up? should i have known better? even now .. why am i still holding on ?!? i should be out, enjoying myself, and not still consuming myself with all of this .. what is wrong with me ?!?!?!

am i even being given a chance in all of this? do i even deserve a chance? maybe i am just there to make him realize how much he loves her .. i truly hope not, but maybe that is how God is working through me to get to them .. what is this all doing for me then? i can't help but feel more stupid as each day passes and i realize that i make him want her more .. but i can't shake these feelings still ..

am i going to get more hurt out of this? more than likely .. who's fault will it be? no one's but my own .. so why the heck am i still doing this to myself and how do i stop???? please tell me