well how could we have known

i thought spring break was supposed to give me some space and time to just forget everything .. and that semi worked, but for the most part, i'm probably worse off then i was before .. as i sit in my room, i see myself falling back into the same slump and thinking the same things .. why do i do this to myself??? what the heck is wrong with me???

i want to text him and see if he wants to get dinner or just see how his break was, but i can't help but feel so annoying and pestering .. i don't want him to have to deal with me, it's bad enough i have to .. no matter how much i think these thoughts, they still won't go away .. i want to talk to him and tell him what i've been thinking, even though i'm sure that isn't going to help anything .. but at the same time, i'm terrified that's its going to be the last time we talk and that's it .. no friendship, no nothing .. why is this so hard? it hasn't been that long, so why is it tearing me up like it is??? ughhh ..

part of me just wishes he'd call or text and be like just kidding it was a joke .. part of me wants him to be like i realized that i want to be with you and care about you soo much .. part of me wants to feel beautiful and feel loved .. but then part of me thinks i don't deserve that .. part of me thinks what makes me so special that i he'd want me over anyone else .. part of me thinks i'm so stupid for letting myself have these feelings that i now can't get rid of ..

i did everything i thought i could to look out for myself .. i didn't just give in right away .. i played the hard to get thing and waited for him to come to me .. ya, i flirted and had fun, but i didn't show this crazy, needy, psycho side of me .. and he did come to me, he pulled me aside one night after he got off duty and said i do care about you and i do want to be with you, and i know i need a little bit of time, but i don't want to lose you .. i would lay in my bed at night after coming back from his room and he'd text me and be like i can't sleep, i just can't stop thinking about you and things like that .. he'd invite me on stupid trips off the hill or to eat or the movies or random things that made me feel appreciated .. that made me feel good about myself .. that made me feel respected and cared about .. that made me like myself ..

why did i believe it? he is a truly genuine person and i really thought he meant it .. was he just tricking himself .. was i being tricked? how did i fall for it .. how can i be so stupid .. i thought i kept my wall up long enough, i thought i looked out for myself, but now im a babbling mess .. i want to go back to that content and strong girl that i was when we started hanging out .. that made him come to me and not put myself out there .. but not im vulnerable as all get out .. my feelings have been put out there and basically given back to me .. now im the needy and crazy girl and can't do anything to go back to how it was ..

why do i need his validation or appreciation or care to like myself? why did i feel so good about myself when he cared too? why do i need that?

something as stupid as seeing a picture of him at his friend's house for his friend's birthday .. the same friend who just started dating the girl i went to high school with .. of course she was there .. another friend and his girlfriend were there .. and then him .. and the friend's family of course .. i didn't get anything all over break, not even a 'how you doing' or anything .. he had a good time and i'm glad .. i shouldn't be jealous or envious .. but i know i am and i hate that about myself ..

somedays i try to think positive and think maybe we'll get back to school and talk and he'll realize that this can work .. then i think more realistically and am scared to talk to him to hear it all finalized and set in stone .. to hear that i can't be with you right now because i don't know if i want you or not .. to hear that i'm not good enough to erase all the doubts off his mind .. his friend was good enough to erase my friend's doubts, but i'm not .. i can't help but feel embarassed and oh so vulnerable ..